Whether the ‘Interim Budget’ presented by acting Finance Minister Piyush Goyal was actually interim or not is immaterial – as immaterial as the benefits you and I will receive from the Budget.
Far more tangible was the utter bewilderment on the face of Congress President Rahul Gandhi during Goyal’s speech. Clearly, the poor man was quite flummoxed by the barrage of economic spiel, financial terms and affiliated data Goyal dished out, tera-flop by tera-sop.
Following the budget speech, we staggered up to the terrace and espied a piece of paper gently floating in from the general direction of Parliament Street. Grabbing it and smoothing it out, we discovered it to be a page torn from a standard-issue Lok Sabha jotting-pad. The page was filled with writing, starting with a four-line piece of doggerel!
We transcribe below, O faithful reader, the lines from this solitary page. We can only guess at the identity of the author – perhaps a cynical Congress or CPI(M) Member whose heart is yet in the Right, or even Left, place?
Rahul-ji’s angst and anguish doth grow and grow
With Goyal’s every buzz-word, every cackle and crow
Rahul-ji’s frown deepens; his face grows longer – little wonder
‘Tis clear he can’t follow a word, however hard he doth ponder
With general elections a couple of months away, and with strong indications that our Mahagathbandhan might well form the next government with Rahul-ji as prime minister, surely we must all try and help Rahul-ji understand some common terms used in connection with the budget?
Here is a small glossary to get Rahul-ji started:
Appropriation Bill: This is a bill of receipt, or challan, given to you by team from Income Tax Department, Enforcement Directorate or CBI after they raid your home and/or office and appropriate assets disproportionate to your known sources of income. [Always remember: when raided, insist on Appropriation Bill].
Balance of payments: Denotes the difference in total value between various payments into and out of India over a certain period of time on account of kickbacks on defense equipment, hawala transactions and so on, through legally disapproved channels such as Channel Island companies.
Fiscal policy: Derives from the vision of Congress fore-fathers, fore-mothers and fore-others, of an India where our youth – young and old alike – are strong and muscular, that is, fiscally fit. Fiscal fitness is especially important during election campaigning. Today BJP makes tall promises to set up infrastructure for fiscal fitness such as gyms, sports stadiums and so on. In practice, however, these promises are never kept and the money allocated disappears without trace in ghotalas and goshalas, leading to a weak fiscal condition in people known as fiscal deficit.
Gross Domestic Product (GDP): Although it might sound gross or unpleasant, GDP is a vital measure of the overall garbage output from the entire domestic or household sector in India. As household prosperity increases, so too does household consumption of junk food and junk goods, and therefore of household garbage output. This is famous Garbage In = Garbage Out principle. Hence, high GDP growth is good because it means India’s economy is growing.
Inflation: Describes the tendency of the BJP government to make exaggerated claims about everything, including the size of Narendra Modi’s chest. Affiliated terms are deflation and recession, manifest in shrinking chests of BJP members upon losing in successive state assembly elections.
Plan and Non-Plan Expenditure: Plan expenditure is what the government tells the public it wants to spend. Non-plan expenditure is what government has to spend, but doesn’t tell the public it has to spend, in order to spend what it tells the public it wants to spend as plan expenditure. [For more simple explanation, please consult Mani Shankar Aiyar-ji and/or Shashi Tharoor-ji]
Public account: Refers to the public admission made by a high-level politician or government servant who is accused of swindling public money, during a court hearing that is open to public. When the hearing takes place in Supreme Court or Delhi High Court, the public admission is known as capital account.
[UNQUOTE…END OF PAGE]
P.S.: We offer a reward of Rs 10,000 in non-demonetized notes to anybody who can trace the remaining pages of this invaluable document.
Let us rejoice! For the Congress promises to bring us a brighter, more loving future in 2019:
When Rahul Gandhi conquers the Sangh Parivar
With his boundless love, and assumes power
A leading newspaper columnist has revealed that the Congress Party is planning to make Rahul Gandhi’s hugging of Prime Minister Modi a center piece of its 2019 general elections campaign.[click here to read report, or go to https://indianexpress.com/article/opinion/columns/inside-track-hug-vs-slug-5281082/]
The idea of a Congress Love Campaign fills us with delight.
Almost as much delight as Prime Minister Modi must have felt in the Lok Sabha that fateful July day, when, after Rahul delivered a passionate speech that blended incoherence, irrelevance and insolence in the proportion of 40:30:30, the youthful 49-year old Congress president suddenly and unexpectedly announced in ringing tones his boundless love for all humanity, including even Modi; declared his resolve to convert all Indians, including even the BJP members, to become loving Congress acolytes; galloped across the hall, stood over the bewildered Modi and commanded him to rise and receive his (Rahul’s) hug; and when Modi failed to oblige, bent down and clasped the PM, unasked, in a strong and presumably loving embrace.
We witnessed it live, gentle reader.
We choked; we nearly wept; so overcome were we with mirth.
We respectfully urge Rahul and the Congress to build on Rahul’s infantile performance, and to focus their electoral love campaign on mobilizing the young voters of tomorrow—the younger, the better!
With this principle in mind, we offer the following visual as our humble contribution to the Congress creative team’s ’ efforts. A small baby step that, we hope, will enable Rahul to assume charge of India and spread his message of Universal Love and Hugs.