BJP

General ravings, Potshots

Assembly Elections 2026: it’s Horse Trading Season Again!

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O Gentle and Tolerant Reader, fervent apologies for my long silence. And I shall pretend I didn’t hear those dismayed cries of “Aiyoo Muruga! He’s back!” and “What! We didn’t even notice your absence!” and “Have you considered a five-year silent penance in some remote Himalayan fastness  like Bum La or Zanskar?

Because I know (or at least choose to believe) that these are but expressions of deep affection and endearment.

I write this seated amidst a swirl of packers & movers, enveloped in clouds of dust and debris, surrounded by the accumulated junk and associated memories of 33 years’ existence in Dilli that is Delhi, our beloved and cussed Rajdhani.

For I am at last leaving the Capital of India that is Bharat for good (thereby doing the Capital of India that is Bharat much good).  I am relocating, to a place far south of the Vindhyas,  where the air still contains traces of that rare but essential element named oxygen; where the Kaveri , unlike its cousin Yamuna, yet  flows swift and full and harbours discernible life; where silence does not mean the incessant roars of vehicles and of Dilliwallahs blowing their fuses and their own trumpets; where words and phrases like ‘lakeside resort’ and ‘serene orchard’ and ‘forest view’ actually mean what they mean  in lower case, and are not the names of NCR residential colonies in upper case offering spectacular views of swirling sewage canals, towering mountains of garbage, and endless concrete urban jungles respectively.

Yet I shall miss this great city, for all its callousness and coldness and countless crimes and cruelties.

 More on that and much more, anon.

This rant is a mere throat-clearing statement of sorts; it  is inspired by the assembly election results just in from Assam, Kerala, Puducherry, Tamil Nadu and West Bengal. 

As always, during the next fortnight We, the Wee People, shall watch as our newly elected MLAs and their affiliated adherents and scoundrels rub their hands in glee at the prospects of gaining prodigious prosperity at public expense along with potential plunder from defecting (and indeed defecating) from one party to another. This practice among MLAs and MPs is also known as ‘horse trading’, despite protestations from horses and animal rights groups.

The neigh-sayers of DMK and ADMK and Trinamool Congress, of CPI(M) and Congress and BJP and all the rest of them may deny it; but the horse trading will be widespread, and be particularly intense in Tamil Nadu and Kerala where the Assemblies are more well hung than the elected MLAs. Doubtless in coming days, we will see many of these MLAs corralled into groups and flown off under strict surveillance into hotels and resorts far from their own states. And here, the MLAs will do what they do best: merrily junk Ideology for Iniquity and eagerly hunt for Singular Largesse from the Single Largest Party.

[courtesy MetaAI]

On ‘ongoing basis’ as we Bharatiyas like to say.

In this inglorious time, I recall—and repost below for your agony and entertainment—a potential business proposal  that I came across from many years ago, for setting up a luxurious Horse Trading Resort for MLAs. I still believe it is a fine, financially viable business model whose time has come; and I urge the Government of India and all state governments to create enabling policies for financing such Horse Trading Resorts under schemes like Startup India, Pradhan Mantri Ghoda Yojana and the various Mukhya Mantri Ghoda Yojanas.

Jai Hind.

A ‘PILOT’ BUSINESS PROPOSAL: “VISHAAL GHUDASAAL” LUXURY RESORT FOR MLAs

[https://rpsubramanian.com/2020/08/05/a-pilot-proposal-vishaal-ghudasaal-luxury-resort-for-mlas/]

Dear Reader,

I present below the complete text of a weird yet strangely interesting ‘Pilot’ project proposal for bank finance, that seems to have been submitted to a certain ‘India Bulls & Ghotala Bank’. I found this document in an envelope lying on the pavement near Reserve Bank of India on Parliament Street, New Delhi.

Curiously, the document had distinct signs of dried horse droppings on all its pages.

I’m not sure whether to take it seriously or not…and I can’t seem to locate this India Bulls & Ghotala Bank either. What do you think I should do?

APPLICATION FOR SMALL BUSINESS LOAN—SOLE PROPRIETORSHIP

A. Personal Profile

1. Name of the applicant

MADHUSUDAN  NIGONI  PERIALINGAM

2. Residential address

Same as my business address (see 8 below)

3. Sex

Heterosexual; 2 to 3 times a week

4. Whether applicant belongs to SC/ST/EBC/OBC? [Attach copy of Caste Certificate as applicable]

Not sure. However, I can arrange to submit any number of SC/ST/EBC/OBC certificate(s) of any kind, as required by Bank

5. Technical qualifications

  • 2018-19. Double Diploma in ‘Creative Accounting Practices’ and ‘Advanced Fabrication Techniques’ from Diamond Institute of Business & Fabrication Technology, an affiliate of Nirav Modi Global University, Antwerp.  [Address: D.I.B.F.T. Delhi Campus, Room no. 163, 4th floor, next to A-1 Photo Studio, Laxminagar, New Delhi – 110092]
  • 2016. Discharge-cum-Good-Conduct Certificate issued by Superintendent, Tihar Central Jail,  Delhi on Authority of 3rd Additional Metropolitan Magistrate, Tis Hazari Courts, Delhi
  •  1977. Certificate of Lifelong Unemployability issued by National Institute of Mental Health and Neuro Sciences (NIMHANS), New Delhi

6. Line of Activity/Business

HOSPITALITY SECTOR.

7. Experience

I have over 41 years’ experience in Hospitality Sector, as I have functioned as Certified and/or Institutionalized Inmate as well as Visiting Fellow in various public and private Mental Hospitals.

8.  Business Address

Same as my residential address (see 2 above). 

B. Project Outline

(Explain the gist of your project and how and why it is technically feasible and financially viable; detailed documents, excel-sheets, charts etc. may be annexed as required)

The proposed Project is a new venture in a hitherto-untapped realm of Hospitality Sector that promises assured, highly attractive financial returns on investment at minimal risk, while also serving public good by supporting welfare of elected People’s Representatives (MLAs) and thereby strengthening Democracy in India.

AIM

The project involves setting up and managing a Dedicated Luxury Horse Trading Resort for MLAs that will offer secluded, secure and supremely salubrious accommodation for MLAs from across the country who are being targeted and/or lured to defect to other political parties.  

RATIONALE

1. Backdrop

The last few decades of India’s political history has witnessed an interesting phenomenon. In the wake of almost every state assembly election, the newly elected Members of the concerned Legislative Assemblies (i.e. MLAs) are frantically herded together by their respective party leaders and transferred swiftly to Hotels and Resorts (often located very far away), where the MLAs can be strictly monitored and prevented and/or protected from defecting to some other political parties.  A few examples:

  • Currently (August 2020), several score Congress MLAs in Rajasthan are suffering untold agonies in a 5-star Hotel in Jaipur where they have already been corralled for over two weeks.
  • Karnataka, clear leader among all states, has seen its MLAs whisked off to resorts across India in 1983, 2004, 2006, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2019.
  • In 2016, Uttarakhand MLAs were herded and flown into a resort in Jaipur
  • In 2019, MLAs from Maharashtra were relocated to a resort in Jaipur.  In 2002, the Maharashtra MLAs were spirited away to hotels in Bengaluru.
  • Andhra Pradesh, Bihar, Gujarat, Maharashtra, Tamil Nadu and Uttar Pradesh too are energetic players in the MLA-Hide-and-Seek game.

2. The Need & Opportunity

While the process of herding and physically transporting the MLAs has matured into a smooth and well-oiled machine (especially with the induction by all parties of fleets of private jet aircraft at public expense), it is very difficult to find enough rooms for all MLAs in any single Resort or Hotel. Usually, the MLAs have to rub shoulders (and occasionally, other limbs and appendages) with tourists and other kinds of aam aadmi riffraff in these 5–star establishments. This poses a grave security risk for all concerned, and especially endangers the concerned political party’s future. Also, the available Hotels and Resorts usually do not provide adequate security infrastructure for MLAs against snooping sting-seeking journalists, spies from rival parties and so forth.  These and other factors cause great distress and hardship to the herded MLAs and their party Minders, as well as great financial distress and biological stress to senior party leaders. The overall effect is detrimental to a healthy Indian Democracy as envisaged by our Forefathers and Foremothers.

Clearly, there is a huge need as well as opportunity for setting up a dedicated Luxury Horse Trading Resort exclusively for MLAs in each and every state in India, where the MLAs can be provided with all the comfort and resources— physical, psychical, and moral—that they might need during such times of crisis.

PROPOSAL

The applicant proposes to set up a Dedicated Horse Trading Resort for MLAs in the National Capital Region of Delhi. The Resort, tentatively named “Vishaal Ghudashaal” (English: “Magnificent Horse-Stable” to convey a sense of stability as well as the pleasant atmosphere of horse-trading) will have a capacity to accommodate up to 84 MLAs at a time. It will provide 7-star facilities to its illustrious guests even while ensuring that a Z++ -level security ring prevents any unseemly, uninvited or untoward surveillance or intrusions by reporters, photographers and other outsiders that might disturb the tranquility of the guests.

The Resort is proposed to be set up as a ‘Pilot Venture‘ (inspired by recent events in Rajasthan following the exit of Shri Sachin Pilot, MLA, from the Congress party.  In the long term, it is hoped that this Project can be scaled up to establish similar Resorts in other locations across the country.

Financial viability

[Detailed analyses attached at Annexures 1–18]

  • Occupancy level of the Resort is critical to the financial viability of the Project. Here, the occupancy prospects are extremely encouraging, with as many as 10 states going to assembly polls between 2020–2023 to elect 1260 MLAs, a large proportion of whom are likely to seek refuge in the proposed Resort.
Current Assembly lapses inStateNo. of MLA seats
2020 DecemberBihar243
2021 MarchAssam126
2021 MarchJ & K  87
2021 MayKerala140
2022 MarchGoa  40
2022 MarchManipur  60
2022 DecemberGujarat182
2022 DecemberHimachal Pradesh  68
2023 MayKarnataka224
2023 DecemberChhattisgarh  90
Total1260

State Assembly elections due between 2020-2023

  • Historical data and reports show that a Resort-bound MLA typically receives an incentive of Rs 10–20 crores for remaining loyal to his/her parent party or for switching loyalty to another party [e.g. see this report. This provides an assurance as to the liquidity of the guest-MLAs and their respective political parties, and thereby strengthens and assures the financial viability of the Project. [Thus, even at 50% occupancy in the proposed 84-room Resort for a few weeks at a time, the increased liquid assets of the 42 guests would be in the range of Rs 420–840 crores—please see Annexure 9(c)].
  • The Project requires a capital investment of Rs 875 crores towards construction, finishing and commissioning of the Resort, including ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ infrastructure creation. To meet this amount, the applicant will contribute Rs 87 crores (10%), and seeks a term loan of Rs 788 crores (90%). The applicant will bring to bear his considerable expertise and experience in the Hospitality business to ensure the success of the venture.
  • The Resort is expected to be completed and launched within 36 months of release of the Term Loan. 
  •  The entire Term Loan of Rs 788 crores, along with interest, is projected to be repaid in full within a maximum of 12 months of launching the Resort.
  • The Term Loan may be viewed as a ‘Revolving Fund’ that will mirror the ‘Revolving Door’ dynamics of MLA defections, and enable the financing of more such Resorts in the long term on a sustainable basis. 

Credit facilities required

PurposeAmountRepayment
Setting up and running one 84-room high-security Luxury Resort in NCR Region, to accommodate  MLAs with high defection potential from all political parties across IndiaTerm Loan of Rs 788 crores Within 12 months of commissioning the Luxury Resort
Working CapitalCash Credit of Rs 30 croresOn demand

I/We certify that all information furnished by me/us is true; that I/We have no existing borrowing arrangements with IB&G Bank; that no legal action is currently being taken against me/us ; that I/We shall furnish all other information that may be required by you in connection with my/our application, that this may also be exchanged by you with any agency you may deem fit; and that you, your representatives, or any other agency as authorized by you, may, at any time, inspect/verify our assets, books of accounts, etc., in our factory and business premises.

Date: 28th July 2020  

Place:  Delhi                                                                     

General ravings, Musings

Happy Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas!!

Mani's avatarMani 6 Comments 
"The Moving Finger votes; and having voted
Moves on; nor all thy Ideology nor Writ
Shall lure it back to concede half a Chance,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a NOTA from it.”
[with apologies to the estate of Omar Khayyam]

Just a fortnight to go, O gentle Reader, for the Sacred Day of June 4th — which will mark the grand culmination of the greatest of festivals that Democratic India has gifted to the world… Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas!

For those among us who might be unfamiliar with India’s glorious heritage and culture, Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas roughly translates from the ancient Indian language of Tapori Hindi to ‘Day to Show Politician the Finger’.

It is such an appropriately named festival as we traverse the Digital Age, no?

It is the Day We Show Politicians a Digit.

 Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas is a beautiful festival, even by India’s stellar standards of sublime secular celebration. It is observed once every five years and lasts for many weeks, depending on the Lunatic Calendar.

This time the festivities last for a full 44 days, starting from 19th April and ending on 4st June 2024. 

This Holy Period is marked not by austere fasts, but instead by joyous and frenzied public revelry throughout the nation, with intermittent  region-wise climaxes—called Electoral Days by the intelligentsia and Electoral Dysfunction Days by the irreverent and irrelevant—when We the Wee People troop to our local Electoral Shrines to observe the Hallowed and Powerful Ritual of the Forefinger, our brains numbed by six weeks of incessant, insensitive and incendiary sloganeering, our spirits buoyed by the giga-litres of free ethylated spirits and other heady gifts and freebees distributed among us by the Powers-That-Be who comprise both rulers and the aspiring-rulers of Bharat that is India .

Ahhh! How eagerly I await May 25th, fingers a-twitching in unholy excitement, to take my turn in celebrating this greatest of ancient Indian festivals.

May 25th 2024 is Electoral Day for us Dilli-wallahs.

It is the day I shall sally forth with my co-sufferers in the sweltering Capital, most likely around 07:30 a.m when it is a cool and pleasant 105 degrees F in the shade, to queue up at the designated Electoral Shrine and have my forefinger anointed with Holy Ink by the solemn Presiding Priests and Priestesses and take my turn in the quiet, curtained sanctum sanctorum to choose one name from among the dozen scoundrels, scallywags, assorted crooks and scamsters who seek my vote that might help them become one of the 543 Members of Parliament who will misgovern India for the next five years.

Oh, please don’t get me wrong…I love Lok Sabha Elections.

 I love Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas!

I also love the Exit Polls that take over every media channel and newspaper from the moment the last vote is cast—from the evening of June 1st, that is! This year, I’m going to binge-watch at least five different Indian TV news channels— and also monitor leading and misleading Indian and international online news portals of impeccable disrepute such as The Wire, BBC, New York Times, The Dawn, and The People’s Daily—to chortle non-stop at their wildly diverse ‘analyses’ and predictions as to which political party or alliance is going to emerge as the winner.

And when Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas dawns…June 4th… Oooooohh! Awwwwkkk!

Already, I tremble in anticipation of getting a year’s worth of mirth and merriment from morning to night as I watch and listen to anxious anchors, earnest experts, jaded journalists, pontificating psephologists and affiliated pretenders yap away non-stop as the numbers and results come in from across the country;  numbers and results that will invariably differ exponentially from all their painstakingly presented pre-poll and exit poll predictions. 

And my chuckles will explode into belly-aching roars of laughter and I will double over and and shake and dance in ecstasy in front of the TV screen—and perhaps waggle my Holy Ink-anointed finger and wiggle my non-Holy Ink-anointed butt in their collective faces for good measure—as they explain how in fact they actually got all their predictions right,  and how it is that We, the Wee People, must take the blame for not voting according to their analyses and predictions.  

I look forward to chortling over brave explanatory phrases like these from the Talking Heads on TV, YouTube, WhatsApp, Twitter and other boob-tubes:

“…Thus, our forecasts were absolutely spot-on! The variance from actual results is only because our correctly predicted swing factor towards the Secular I.N.D.I.A Coalition in North Indian states has been counter-balanced by the last-minute counter-oscillation of Backwards towards the Hindutva-inclined BJP, though of course this in turn has been somewhat mitigated by the usual Koeri-Kurmi antipathy toward the Right-leaning Thakurs, the Centrist Yadavs, and Left-leaning EBCs and Muslims…”

“As you can see from this graphic, our predictions that the Congress would sweep Uttar Pradesh with 75–80 seats were 100% accurate. The fact that they’ve actually won only 3 seats is entirely due to the urban and peri-urban electorate’s incremental wooing by the BJP through excremental programs like Swacchh Bharat Abhiyaan…”

“The sweep by BJP in Delhi has nothing to do with the AAP broom. It is directly a result of the complex interplay between the policy paralysis of the AAP government with over 60% of its Cabinet Ministers in Tihar Jail,  and the mid-election Maliwal–Kejriwal– Sheesh Mahal –Ghotalay Golmal,  combined with the overall  Maha-Dalit–Bhumihar consolidation against I.N.D.I.A in NCR region and the Adi Dravid-Tamil Brahmin groups in Tamil Nadu against the DMK…”

“To put it in plain and simple language:  the results only underline the deep inroads carved into the superstructure of Indian democracy by the enduring Brahmanical Hegemony that, strengthened by communal agendas and catalysed by the institutionalization of Comprador agencies masquerading as pseudo-Right Liberal entities, have promoted exploitative neo-Capitalist policy frameworks and schemes which have historically been proven to be contrapuntal to the interests of the oppressed subaltern sections of society…”

O precious Reader, please do pardon my feeble efforts above: these are mere examples, pale imitations of the turgid, hilarious phrases that we will actually get to hear from the learned Talking Heads who will analyse the poll results for us, from June 4th till the next Lok Sabha elections.

 Ahh! It is at times like this that I miss those supremely entertaining Talking Heads of yesteryear:  those masters and mistresses of gobbledygook whose names most of us have forgotten… like Purana  Roy, Khadka Butt, Saregama the Ghost, et al…

But then, we still have the likes of Roger Deep- Sordid Sai,  Hardknob Gowshala and Nervy Cuckoomar to regale us as we track the poll outcomes up to and even beyond Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas…to Gaali Diwas.

Gaali Diwas!

The Day of Swearing-In!

Gaali Diwas is the day the newly-appointed Prime Minister and his/her chosen Ministers take their oaths and are sworn in to their respective orifi…er…offices. 

Going by its name, Gaali Diwas should be the day when you and I should be given the opportunity to attend the swearing-in rituals personally so that we can swear and hurl oaths and abuse at the newly-appointed Prime Minister and his chosen Ministers as they take their oaths. Particularly, if they are not the leaders we voted for.

However, this requires reform in the Law.

I am confident that the Leader for whom I am going to vote will bring in the necessary reform to allow the public this wonderful and indeed fundamental right to free fundamentalist expression.

I shall pray for such an outcome on May 25th, when I visit my Electoral Shrine and vote.

“Bollocks!” exclaims the Resident Lizard, rudely interrupting my flow of thoughts.

The Resident Lizard has crept up on me silently, like a predatory Aam Aadmi Party leader in Kejriwal’s Sheesh Mahal, and is reading over my shoulder as I write. It is a most annoying habit (his reading over my shoulder, I mean, not my writing).

“If your Chosen Leader becomes Prime Minister, you wouldn’t want to swear at him,” my reptilian colleague adds with his typical cussed logic. “So what’s the point of your Chosen Prime Minister bringing in a reform that allows  you to swear at him when he’s being sworn in, when you’re anyway not going to swear at him?”

Infuriated, I throw a priceless crystal cup, a wireless mouse, a printer cartridge, my reading glasses case and three pens at the Lizard. All miss their target; but he skilfully extracts the reading glasses from the case, dons them with a sardonic chuckle and scuttles off to the living room to read the newspaper.

I regain my composure; I realize I must tolerate the Resident Lizard’s presence and his views.

After all, he too, awaits Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas.

And so, I conclude this herewith before joining him in the living room.

Hail the spirit of Vasudaiva Kutumbakam.

Jai Hind!

[Dedicated to a dear young socio-anthropologist friend who – unlike so many politicians – loves to work among the people for the people, loves merriment and well-being and peace, loves Life (though not lizards of any kind so much)…and yes, loves the Rubaiyyat of Omar Khayyam 🙂]

General ravings, Potshots

ABC Primer on Artificial Intelligence for our new MPs

Mani's avatarMani 5 Comments

With the Lok Sabha elections 2024 well under way, we humbly offer selections from a small glossary of terms that, we hope, will help our newly elected Members of Parliament function effectively in a world that is increasingly being driven by Artifical Intelligence and related technologies.

Note: the glossary is still a work-in-progress; this selection of terms is inflicted on you merely by way of a ‘Beta Test’ (please see below for its definition).

Artificial Intelligence

Artificial Intelligence is a scientific term first used over 2000 years ago in ancient India, when the great philosopher-military strategist Kautilya composed his Arthashastra. Artificial Intelligence (or AI as it is popularly known) describe the simulation—or mimicry—of normal human capabilities such as communication, learning, and decision-making by a political leader of limited or even infantile intellectual abilities. The creation of an AI-endowed leader is a complex R&D process requiring sustained support in the form of mass subliminal advertising campaigns, saturation social/main-scream media coverage, marketing techniques, retrospective psychological and academic profiling, continuous rewritings of political and historical lineage, and other such elements. Such long-term and multi-faceted support requires colossal financial and other resources. Hence, AI-endowed leaders are usually found only in the richest and oldest Indian political parties such as the Indian National Congress.  

Generative AI is a related term, used to describe AI projects that have to be sustained over many generations in order to create and stabilize an AI-endowed political leader.

OpenAI is the short and informal term used by media professionals and marketing/advertising agencies to indicate that a political party has openings, i.e., vacancies, for training aspiring political candidates who have suitably open and vacant minds to become AI-endowed leaders.

Algorithm

An Algorithm is a fundamental sequence of rules that define the path of an AI-empowered politician’s career. However,  Algorithm can take many meanings in different parts of India, mirroring our nation’s disunity in perversity.

For instance, among the Hindi-speaking states of north India, Algorithm [pronounced ‘alag-rhythm’] is popularly used to praise an AI-empowered political leader who is seen as following a different or unique path to political power. Thus, a Congress supporter might be heard saying: “Hamara pyaara neta Rahuljee alag-rhythm ko naachta hai!” [Loose translation: ‘Rahuljee, our beloved leader, dances to a different rhythm.”]

In Tamil Nadu, algorithm [pronounced ‘Alagiri-r-dum’: ‘the power of Alagiri’] conveys a sense of wistfulness—even sadness—at the fate of DMK leader M K Alagiri, who was once seen as the heir and brilliant Rising Son of the late and great DMK supremo K Karunanidhi, but whose political career has rapidly waned and sunk beneath the horizon like the setting sun … even as brother Stalin sets the state ablaze in his dubious light. Thus, a Madurai citizen might shake her head sadly and murmur: “Paavam, Alagiri-r-dum pochu!’ [‘Poor Alagiri’s power is gone!’]

In West Bengal, Algorithm [pronounced ‘All-Agree-Team’, meaning self-explicit] is a popular and explicit term coined by Chief Minister and Trinamool Congress leader Mamata Bannerjee, to remind her Cabinet Ministers as well as party cadres that she expects unquestioning obedience from them of her every wish and command.

Important Algorithm-related terms include:

  • Classification—technique by which politician divides and target voters on the basis of class, caste, religion, language, sex, and economic status including various permutations and combinations of these criteria.
  • Regression—(1) a portmanteau word [regrets + session = regression] that describes the common phenomenon of political leaders expressing profuse regrets on ongoing  basis for ‘inadvertent’ insults and abuses that they directed at rivals during earlier campaign speeches. (2) Regression is also used in the sense of ‘backward motion’ to describe the political strategy of promising more and more sections of people that they will be classified as ‘Backward Classes’ so that they can reap benefits of affirmative action policies such as reserved seats in educational institutions, quotas in government jobs, and so on.   

Beta test 

Beta Test [from beta = son, daughter or any other kind of offspring; test = pariksha, trial] describes the complex science-based process—or more accurately, scions-based process— by which an AI-endowed son or daughter of a senior politician is miraculously elevated to the position of party leader and then repeatedly fielded as Lok Sabha  candidate to test his/her/their/unka popularity. A Beta Test may extend for several decades because the Beta candidate’s popularity remains as elusive as a phantom; a result that is explained by some Left-leaning political science scholars as a manifestation of Phantom Uncertainty, first postulated by the great German political scientist Weiner Heisenhamburger.

Big data

Big Data refers to the huge sets of data that are painstakingly compiled by all Indian political parties on their political rivals, pertaining to corruption cases, violent crimes, scandals involving moral turpitude, and affiliated criminal misconduct. Big Data is gathered and analysed on ongoing basis to reveal the weak points and vulnerabilities of political rivals, so that they can then be amplified and exploited during election campaigns.

The analysis of Big Data is called Data Mining, whichderives its name from the infamous Coal Mine Allocation Scam of the early 2000s when this technique was first used effectively by (then) Opposition parties headed by BJP.  Since then, Data Mining is being used by all Indian political parties; not only to persecute their vulnerable political rivals but also to engineer defections by these  political rivals into their  own party or alliance. However, this defection process is subject to strict scrutiny under the Anti-Defecation Law, which forms an intrinsic part of the Swacch Bharat Abhiyan Mission that has been launched to flush out malpractices from India’s electoral system.

Important note:  Data Mining must not be confused with TADA Mining – which is a now-defunct legal provision under which criminal cases could be filed against political leaders for illegally awarding mining licences in their constituency to loyal crooks, thugs, goondas, scoundrels and other close family members.

Chatbot

A Chatbot [from chat = chat-show host; bot = bought] is a celebrity TV news anchor who is retained by one or more political parties to spread the party viewpoint(s) and increase the popularity of their leaders. Every Indian political party has at least two or three captive Chatbots, and every Chatbot serves at least two or three political parties.  

Chatbots are characterized by extremely high intuitive abilities (a skillset also known as cognitive computing), extremely low ethical standards, and unmatched swiftness in switching their allegiance from one political party to another as the occasion demands.

Emergent Behaviour

Emergent Behaviour [root: Emergency] describes an AI-endowed leader who has begun to show unpredictable or unintended capabilities, including authoritarian and/or totalitarian tendencies in political outlook.

Large language model

A large language model is simply the technology that allows teleprompters to display speech-text in large font and point-size, so that all but the most inept AI-endowed politicians can read the text without fumbling.

Pattern recognition

Pattern Recognition refers to the innovative system by which the Party Symbol is tattooed on to a newly elected MP/MLA’s hand by  the Lok Sabha Secretariat or concerned Assembly Secretariat. The tattoo helps the MP/MLA  remember to which Party he/she/they/it  presently belongs when the time comes to vote on a Bill  that is tabled in the House. This is of vital importance, as MPS and MLAs switch parties at the drop of a topi (or a dropped call from Enforcement Directorate).  Thus, Pattern Recognition helps MPs and MLAs avoid inadvertent cross-voting, and thereby saves them from painful disciplinary action in the form of whipping by their party Whip.

[to be continued…upon my release from Tihar Jail]

Potshots, Remembering

Maha-Rat-Bandhan

Mani's avatarMani 2 Comments

Namaskaarams, O most Valued Readers! With the grey cells encased in a kind of cerebral permafrost from this grey winter that has enveloped Dilli in a dismal, reeking, sunless chill in which the only daily cheer is brought by the Times of India headline proclaiming that the ‘Air Quality Has Improved From Severe to Very Poor’, I finally found the energy yesterday to stir the frozen appendages and digits, a cell at a time, to compose a small research paper on ‘Rats and Other Politicians I Have Encountered and Studied.’

When, lo, the news emerged that Shri Nitish Kumar, erstwhile Chief Minister of Bihar and senior member of the ‘Mahagathbandhan’ supported by Congress, CPM, CPI, RJD, Trinamool Congress and other affiliated scoundrels of the I.N.D.I.A alliance, had resigned his Chief Ministership and been resworn in as Chief Minister of Bihar supported by BJP, Lok Jan Shakti Party and other affiliated scoundrels of the N.D.A alliance.

With this, Nitish Kumar has created a record of sorts among Indian politicians in defecting from one political party/alliance to another and being sworn in as Chief Minister of Bihar no less than nine times despite assembly elections being held in Bihar only five times.

Suddenly, the chill softens its bite. In a trice, the Rats I Have Encountered and Studied are forgotten. Only the Politicians I Have Encountered and Studied fill the lattices of the decrepit mind, twitching their bristly whiskers and baring their yellowing rodentine teeth in unholy glee; the glee of those political ascetics who, akin to spiritual ascetics in their own unique ways, have abandoned all earthly desires to do public good and egoistic compulsions to be principled and humble, and instead dedicated their lives to the energetic pursuit of power while energetically evading the pursuit of conscience, creditors, and law enforcement agencies.

And now, amid the dim recesses of memory I espy a short article on the same theme composed for and carried by the Indian Express almost exactly twenty years ago: in 2004, just before the Lok Sabha elections that evicted the BJP-led NDA and brought in the Congress-led UPA.

Here’s the article in full . With the Lok Sabha elections due in a few months from now, I wonder whether my proposed solution still has any merit?

Stable horse traders

[Indian Express: May 3rd, 2004]

Our politicians would make chameleons turn green with envy. The BJP has ditched the DMK and allied with Jayalalithaa’s AIADMK — the party that brought down its government in 1999. The Congress has tied up with the DMK, which it abused in 1997 on the floor of Parliament for its alleged links with the LTTE (thereby bringing down the UF government). Sharad Pawar of NCP is backing the Congress — from which he broke away in 1999 with these immortal words to Sonia Gandhi: “The Congress manifesto should suggest an amendment to the Constitution of India, to the effect that the offices of the president, vice president and prime minister can only be held by natural born Indian citizens. We would also request that you, as Congress president, propose this amendment…”

Now that exit polls predict a hung Parliament, the likes of Pawar, Mulayam, Laloo and Mayawati are licking their lips in anticipation of singular largesse from the ‘single largest party’. Ministerial berths will obscure issues of foreign birth; suitcases will assure reprieve from civil suits and CBI cases; doublespeak and whitewash will transform ‘communal’ into ‘secular’ and vice versa.

How can such deceitful practices be ended?

Perhaps the president of India could adopt the Vatican’s system of electing a new pope. Just as the College of Cardinals is locked up in the Sistine Chapel until it chooses a new pope (by two-thirds majority plus one within 13 days, or a simple majority thereafter), the president could incarcerate the newly elected MPs in the Lok Sabha till they similarly choose a consensus prime minister. As with the cardinals, our MPs should be totally sealed off from the outside world during their conclave.

Elected this way, the PM would already have proven her/his majority support in the House, and may then choose a Cabinet from among the MPs and get on with the business of governance.

No doubt this MPs’ conclave will be acrimonious and lengthy. But at least it will ensure a stable government. All arrangements could be made to ensure the MPs a comfortable sojourn — including medical teams to treat any injuries suffered by them during their debates.

One detail: How do they indicate to the outside world that they have chosen a PM? The Vatican cardinals send white smoke signals by burning their final (successful) ballot papers. Our MPs could send similar smoke signals by setting alight their party manifestos!

General ravings, Potshots

Lok Sabha elections 2024: why I’ll vote for I.N.D.I.A

Mani's avatarMani 8 Comments

Can we transition from “Indira is India” to “I.N.D.I.A is India”?

O Gentle and Most Valued Reader, I begin this rant with an Affidavit in the standard UNESCO-disavowed format.  .

Affidavit
I, R P Subramanian, do solemnly swear, affirm and declare in this public forum as follows:
1. That I am a registered Indian voter.
2. That in the forthcoming Lok Sabha elections 2024, I shall cast my vote in favour of the Indian National Developmental Inclusive Alliance (hereinafter called ‘I.N.D.I.A’ which expression shall include all its splinter groups, breakaway factions, turncoats, defectors, defecators, and assigns).
3. That I undertake to cast my vote favouring I.N.D.I.A as declared above, barring unexpected and/or unforeseen events that might prevent me from doing so including and not restricted to death; grievous injuries caused by assault(s) by supporters of any and all political parties; Acts of God (which term includes Acts by any and all Religious, Secular, Communal, Communist, Woke, and Somnolent deities and prophets of all sexes and genders present and future); and any and all other force majeure events and phenomena.
4. That I execute this undertaking in full and complete infirmity and unsoundness of mind and senses, and under no compulsion or threats whatsoever from any entities, real or virtual.  

The provocation for my Affidavit is the recently concluded Lok Sabha debate on the No-Confidence Motion moved by the I.N.D.I.A coalition of Opposition parties against the BJP-led NDA coalition; a three-day debate that ended with the entire I.N.D.I.A coalition walking out of the House even before the No-Confidence Motion that they had themselves brought in could be put to vote.

Please don’t get me wrong: I don’t blame the Congress-led I.N.D.I.A coalition for walking out of the Lok Sabha. They did so only to escape further serious injuries to their already-bruised egos.

By the second day of the debate, the signs were clear to me—as clear as Rahul Gandhi’s development agenda for India— that the MPs from I.N.D.I.A were vying with one another in making supreme idiots of themselves as they spoke in the House. Indeed, only sheer will-power and extra-strong coffee gave me strength to hear and watch Rahul Gandhi himself prate about nothing in particular with his characteristic hoarse vehemence, oratorial incoherence, analytical incompetence and overarching adolescence—even as his colleagues cheered him on and thumped their desks—before exiting with an aerial smooch seemingly directed towards a cluster of women MPs in the Treasury benches (although a usually unreliable Congress source tells me Rahul’s smooch was actually aimed at PM Narendra Modi, for whom Rahul possesses deep affection and love).

But most painful of all was to hear and watch MPs of the BJP and other NDA parties, from Jyotiraditya Scindia to Modi himself, systematically tear apart and gobble down the MPs and constituent parties of  I.N.D.I.A with all the gentleness and grace of a pack of hungry wild dogs dining on a felled buffalo.

After watching this farce of a debate, O Dear Reader, I confess that I was wrong in my earlier prediction that the BJP will be wiped out in the 2024 elections. I now realize that it is the Congress-led I.N.D.I.A coalition that is in danger of being wiped out in 2024.

Because, judging by its disgraceful performance in the Lok Sabha these past three days, I.N.D.I.A has placed itself on the electoral equivalent of life support within weeks of its launch.

No amount of hagiographic reportage by Congress’ captive, Rahul-captivated media can conceal the harsh truth: that I.N.D.I.A was taken to the dhobi-ghats, beaten, wrung, and hung up to dry by the BJP-led NDA in the Lok Sabha.

Adding to my alarm at this latest evidence of I.N.D.I.A’s feebleness and the BJP-led NDA’s ever-increasing strength and popularity, is news from abroad that a leading American singer, Mary Millben, has now expressed her support for Modi.

Source: India Today.

I am slightly consoled by my Congress source’s assurance that Mary Millben’s support for Modi  doesn’t mean anything.  “Arre Subramanian-saar,” he says, “this Mary Millben is not even an American; she is actually an Indian Modi-bhakt living in the USA under false pretences, with some hidden agenda to create Akhand Bharat! She is a Gujarati girl; her real name is Meera Millie-ben…”

Yet I still worry.

India needs a credible Opposition.

India needs a credible alternative to Modi in 2024!

I.N.D.I.A needs my support to get off  its life support!  

And so, I shall vote for I.N.D.I.A in 2024…provided I.N.D.I.A still exists when the elections happen.

May I conclude with an inspirational slogan, which I hope Rahul Gandhi will adopt during his campaigns:

Voters of India, unite ‘neath the banner of I.N.D.I.A

You’ve nothing to lose but your brains, which we’ll replace with Pyaar!

Jai Hind.

 

General ravings, Potshots

My predictions for Lok Sabha 2024!

Mani's avatarMani 5 Comments

Greetings, O loyal and cherished Reader; I bring glad tidings.

At last the glorious day has dawned—a day that you fervently hoped and prayed would never dawn.

Today is the day when I present to thee, and to the rest of long-suffering humanity, my prediction on the outcome of the Lok Sabha elections of 2024.  

The broad theoretical elements of my research are presented in the form of two graphics, whose various components have been filched, misappropriated and/or lifted and morphed with all the usual care from an array of unaccredited online sources—to whom I am deeply grateful.  

My Prediction

 The BJP-led NDA will be totally erased from the Lok Sabha in 2024!

Rationale

Defections from Congress and other Opposition parties to the BJP–led NDA will soon reach a Critical Mass; whereupon, the defectors and defecators will take over the NDA’s DNA through cellular-level dynamic transformations that are as effective, inexorable and deadly as the processes by which a virus takes command of a healthy cell.

Transformation and takeover of BJP in progress

1. How a migrating/invasive virus or bacteria takes over a healthy host cell

2. How migrating/invasive Congress-led members take over host BJP-led NDA cell

Afterword

My detailed research report is currently under review by a joint peer group of scientists from two of India’s most infamous, calumniated and globally disavowed academic institutes:   the Indian Institute of Fundamentalist Sciences (IIFS), Delhi, and the Institute of Lactile Sociodynamics (ILS), Kanpur.  It might be worth recalling (or perhaps it might not) that IIFS  discovered two fundamentalist particles— Secularon and Minoritron—that are as important to sociologists as the electron and the Higgs boson are to primatologists;  while ILS discovered the Regresson – the Backward-spinning cerebral particle, which has helped in formulation of the famous Creamy Layer Postulate regarding OBC Reservation that forms the bedrock of India’s affirmative action policy. 

Disclaimer: This report is based on my independent de jure research and largely theoretical interactions with senior members of the political  parties mentioned as well as other unmentionables, and backed by my professional knowledge acquired as Adjunct Liber Scholar with Master’s Degree in Prevarication & Associated Obfuscation from the globally disreputable  Rannoy Poy–Khadka Butt Institute of Unhinged Psephology, New Delhi. Any inaccuracies, baseless allegations, errors, misrepresentations or incomplete data that might have crept in through deliberate inclusion are entirely my irresponsibility.