General ravings, Musings

Happy Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas!!

Just a fortnight to go, O gentle Reader, for the Sacred Day of June 4th — which will mark the grand culmination of the greatest of festivals that Democratic India has gifted to the world… Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas!

For those among us who might be unfamiliar with India’s glorious heritage and culture, Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas roughly translates from the ancient Indian language of Tapori Hindi to ‘Day to Show Politician the Finger’.

It is such an appropriately named festival as we traverse the Digital Age, no?

It is the Day We Show Politicians a Digit.

 Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas is a beautiful festival, even by India’s stellar standards of sublime secular celebration. It is observed once every five years and lasts for many weeks, depending on the Lunatic Calendar.

This time the festivities last for a full 44 days, starting from 19th April and ending on 4st June 2024. 

This Holy Period is marked not by austere fasts, but instead by joyous and frenzied public revelry throughout the nation, with intermittent  region-wise climaxes—called Electoral Days by the intelligentsia and Electoral Dysfunction Days by the irreverent and irrelevant—when We the Wee People troop to our local Electoral Shrines to observe the Hallowed and Powerful Ritual of the Forefinger, our brains numbed by six weeks of incessant, insensitive and incendiary sloganeering, our spirits buoyed by the giga-litres of free ethylated spirits and other heady gifts and freebees distributed among us by the Powers-That-Be who comprise both rulers and the aspiring-rulers of Bharat that is India .

Ahhh! How eagerly I await May 25th, fingers a-twitching in unholy excitement, to take my turn in celebrating this greatest of ancient Indian festivals.

May 25th 2024 is Electoral Day for us Dilli-wallahs.

It is the day I shall sally forth with my co-sufferers in the sweltering Capital, most likely around 07:30 a.m when it is a cool and pleasant 105 degrees F in the shade, to queue up at the designated Electoral Shrine and have my forefinger anointed with Holy Ink by the solemn Presiding Priests and Priestesses and take my turn in the quiet, curtained sanctum sanctorum to choose one name from among the dozen scoundrels, scallywags, assorted crooks and scamsters who seek my vote that might help them become one of the 543 Members of Parliament who will misgovern India for the next five years.

Oh, please don’t get me wrong…I love Lok Sabha Elections.

 I love Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas!

I also love the Exit Polls that take over every media channel and newspaper from the moment the last vote is cast—from the evening of June 1st, that is! This year, I’m going to binge-watch at least five different Indian TV news channels— and also monitor leading and misleading Indian and international online news portals of impeccable disrepute such as The Wire, BBC, New York Times, The Dawn, and The People’s Daily—to chortle non-stop at their wildly diverse ‘analyses’ and predictions as to which political party or alliance is going to emerge as the winner.

And when Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas dawns…June 4th… Oooooohh! Awwwwkkk!

Already, I tremble in anticipation of getting a year’s worth of mirth and merriment from morning to night as I watch and listen to anxious anchors, earnest experts, jaded journalists, pontificating psephologists and affiliated pretenders yap away non-stop as the numbers and results come in from across the country;  numbers and results that will invariably differ exponentially from all their painstakingly presented pre-poll and exit poll predictions. 

And my chuckles will explode into belly-aching roars of laughter and I will double over and and shake and dance in ecstasy in front of the TV screen—and perhaps waggle my Holy Ink-anointed finger and wiggle my non-Holy Ink-anointed butt in their collective faces for good measure—as they explain how in fact they actually got all their predictions right,  and how it is that We, the Wee People, must take the blame for not voting according to their analyses and predictions.  

I look forward to chortling over brave explanatory phrases like these from the Talking Heads on TV, YouTube, WhatsApp, Twitter and other boob-tubes:

“…Thus, our forecasts were absolutely spot-on! The variance from actual results is only because our correctly predicted swing factor towards the Secular I.N.D.I.A Coalition in North Indian states has been counter-balanced by the last-minute counter-oscillation of Backwards towards the Hindutva-inclined BJP, though of course this in turn has been somewhat mitigated by the usual Koeri-Kurmi antipathy toward the Right-leaning Thakurs, the Centrist Yadavs, and Left-leaning EBCs and Muslims…”

“As you can see from this graphic, our predictions that the Congress would sweep Uttar Pradesh with 75–80 seats were 100% accurate. The fact that they’ve actually won only 3 seats is entirely due to the urban and peri-urban electorate’s incremental wooing by the BJP through excremental programs like Swacchh Bharat Abhiyaan…”

“The sweep by BJP in Delhi has nothing to do with the AAP broom. It is directly a result of the complex interplay between the policy paralysis of the AAP government with over 60% of its Cabinet Ministers in Tihar Jail,  and the mid-election Maliwal–Kejriwal– Sheesh Mahal –Ghotalay Golmal,  combined with the overall  Maha-Dalit–Bhumihar consolidation against I.N.D.I.A in NCR region and the Adi Dravid-Tamil Brahmin groups in Tamil Nadu against the DMK…”

“To put it in plain and simple language:  the results only underline the deep inroads carved into the superstructure of Indian democracy by the enduring Brahmanical Hegemony that, strengthened by communal agendas and catalysed by the institutionalization of Comprador agencies masquerading as pseudo-Right Liberal entities, have promoted exploitative neo-Capitalist policy frameworks and schemes which have historically been proven to be contrapuntal to the interests of the oppressed subaltern sections of society…”

O precious Reader, please do pardon my feeble efforts above: these are mere examples, pale imitations of the turgid, hilarious phrases that we will actually get to hear from the learned Talking Heads who will analyse the poll results for us, from June 4th till the next Lok Sabha elections.

 Ahh! It is at times like this that I miss those supremely entertaining Talking Heads of yesteryear:  those masters and mistresses of gobbledygook whose names most of us have forgotten… like Purana  Roy, Khadka Butt, Saregama the Ghost, et al…

But then, we still have the likes of Roger Deep- Sordid Sai,  Hardknob Gowshala and Nervy Cuckoomar to regale us as we track the poll outcomes up to and even beyond Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas…to Gaali Diwas.

Gaali Diwas!

The Day of Swearing-In!

Gaali Diwas is the day the newly-appointed Prime Minister and his/her chosen Ministers take their oaths and are sworn in to their respective orifi…er…offices. 

Going by its name, Gaali Diwas should be the day when you and I should be given the opportunity to attend the swearing-in rituals personally so that we can swear and hurl oaths and abuse at the newly-appointed Prime Minister and his chosen Ministers as they take their oaths. Particularly, if they are not the leaders we voted for.

However, this requires reform in the Law.

I am confident that the Leader for whom I am going to vote will bring in the necessary reform to allow the public this wonderful and indeed fundamental right to free fundamentalist expression.

I shall pray for such an outcome on May 25th, when I visit my Electoral Shrine and vote.

“Bollocks!” exclaims the Resident Lizard, rudely interrupting my flow of thoughts.

The Resident Lizard has crept up on me silently, like a predatory Aam Aadmi Party leader in Kejriwal’s Sheesh Mahal, and is reading over my shoulder as I write. It is a most annoying habit (his reading over my shoulder, I mean, not my writing).

“If your Chosen Leader becomes Prime Minister, you wouldn’t want to swear at him,” my reptilian colleague adds with his typical cussed logic. “So what’s the point of your Chosen Prime Minister bringing in a reform that allows  you to swear at him when he’s being sworn in, when you’re anyway not going to swear at him?”

Infuriated, I throw a priceless crystal cup, a wireless mouse, a printer cartridge, my reading glasses case and three pens at the Lizard. All miss their target; but he skilfully extracts the reading glasses from the case, dons them with a sardonic chuckle and scuttles off to the living room to read the newspaper.

I regain my composure; I realize I must tolerate the Resident Lizard’s presence and his views.

After all, he too, awaits Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas.

And so, I conclude this herewith before joining him in the living room.

Hail the spirit of Vasudaiva Kutumbakam.

Jai Hind!

General ravings, Potshots

ABC Primer on Artificial Intelligence for our new MPs

With the Lok Sabha elections 2024 well under way, we humbly offer selections from a small glossary of terms that, we hope, will help our newly elected Members of Parliament function effectively in a world that is increasingly being driven by Artifical Intelligence and related technologies.

Note: the glossary is still a work-in-progress; this selection of terms is inflicted on you merely by way of a ‘Beta Test’ (please see below for its definition).

Artificial Intelligence

Artificial Intelligence is a scientific term first used over 2000 years ago in ancient India, when the great philosopher-military strategist Kautilya composed his Arthashastra. Artificial Intelligence (or AI as it is popularly known) describe the simulation—or mimicry—of normal human capabilities such as communication, learning, and decision-making by a political leader of limited or even infantile intellectual abilities. The creation of an AI-endowed leader is a complex R&D process requiring sustained support in the form of mass subliminal advertising campaigns, saturation social/main-scream media coverage, marketing techniques, retrospective psychological and academic profiling, continuous rewritings of political and historical lineage, and other such elements. Such long-term and multi-faceted support requires colossal financial and other resources. Hence, AI-endowed leaders are usually found only in the richest and oldest Indian political parties such as the Indian National Congress.  

Generative AI is a related term, used to describe AI projects that have to be sustained over many generations in order to create and stabilize an AI-endowed political leader.

OpenAI is the short and informal term used by media professionals and marketing/advertising agencies to indicate that a political party has openings, i.e., vacancies, for training aspiring political candidates who have suitably open and vacant minds to become AI-endowed leaders.

Algorithm

An Algorithm is a fundamental sequence of rules that define the path of an AI-empowered politician’s career. However,  Algorithm can take many meanings in different parts of India, mirroring our nation’s disunity in perversity.

For instance, among the Hindi-speaking states of north India, Algorithm [pronounced ‘alag-rhythm’] is popularly used to praise an AI-empowered political leader who is seen as following a different or unique path to political power. Thus, a Congress supporter might be heard saying: “Hamara pyaara neta Rahuljee alag-rhythm ko naachta hai!” [Loose translation: ‘Rahuljee, our beloved leader, dances to a different rhythm.”]

In Tamil Nadu, algorithm [pronounced ‘Alagiri-r-dum’: ‘the power of Alagiri’] conveys a sense of wistfulness—even sadness—at the fate of DMK leader M K Alagiri, who was once seen as the heir and brilliant Rising Son of the late and great DMK supremo K Karunanidhi, but whose political career has rapidly waned and sunk beneath the horizon like the setting sun … even as brother Stalin sets the state ablaze in his dubious light. Thus, a Madurai citizen might shake her head sadly and murmur: “Paavam, Alagiri-r-dum pochu!’ [‘Poor Alagiri’s power is gone!’]

In West Bengal, Algorithm [pronounced ‘All-Agree-Team’, meaning self-explicit] is a popular and explicit term coined by Chief Minister and Trinamool Congress leader Mamata Bannerjee, to remind her Cabinet Ministers as well as party cadres that she expects unquestioning obedience from them of her every wish and command.

Important Algorithm-related terms include:

  • Classification—technique by which politician divides and target voters on the basis of class, caste, religion, language, sex, and economic status including various permutations and combinations of these criteria.
  • Regression(1) a portmanteau word [regrets + session = regression] that describes the common phenomenon of political leaders expressing profuse regrets on ongoing  basis for ‘inadvertent’ insults and abuses that they directed at rivals during earlier campaign speeches. (2) Regression is also used in the sense of ‘backward motion’ to describe the political strategy of promising more and more sections of people that they will be classified as ‘Backward Classes’ so that they can reap benefits of affirmative action policies such as reserved seats in educational institutions, quotas in government jobs, and so on.   

Beta test 

Beta Test [from beta = son, daughter or any other kind of offspring; test = pariksha, trial] describes the complex science-based process—or more accurately, scions-based process— by which an AI-endowed son or daughter of a senior politician is miraculously elevated to the position of party leader and then repeatedly fielded as Lok Sabha  candidate to test his/her/their/unka popularity. A Beta Test may extend for several decades because the Beta candidate’s popularity remains as elusive as a phantom; a result that is explained by some Left-leaning political science scholars as a manifestation of Phantom Uncertainty, first postulated by the great German political scientist Weiner Heisenhamburger.

Big data

Big Data refers to the huge sets of data that are painstakingly compiled by all Indian political parties on their political rivals, pertaining to corruption cases, violent crimes, scandals involving moral turpitude, and affiliated criminal misconduct. Big Data is gathered and analysed on ongoing basis to reveal the weak points and vulnerabilities of political rivals, so that they can then be amplified and exploited during election campaigns.

The analysis of Big Data is called Data Mining, whichderives its name from the infamous Coal Mine Allocation Scam of the early 2000s when this technique was first used effectively by (then) Opposition parties headed by BJP.  Since then, Data Mining is being used by all Indian political parties; not only to persecute their vulnerable political rivals but also to engineer defections by these  political rivals into their  own party or alliance. However, this defection process is subject to strict scrutiny under the Anti-Defecation Law, which forms an intrinsic part of the Swacch Bharat Abhiyan Mission that has been launched to flush out malpractices from India’s electoral system.

Important note:  Data Mining must not be confused with TADA Mining – which is a now-defunct legal provision under which criminal cases could be filed against political leaders for illegally awarding mining licences in their constituency to loyal crooks, thugs, goondas, scoundrels and other close family members.

Chatbot

A Chatbot [from chat = chat-show host; bot = bought] is a celebrity TV news anchor who is retained by one or more political parties to spread the party viewpoint(s) and increase the popularity of their leaders. Every Indian political party has at least two or three captive Chatbots, and every Chatbot serves at least two or three political parties.  

Chatbots are characterized by extremely high intuitive abilities (a skillset also known as cognitive computing), extremely low ethical standards, and unmatched swiftness in switching their allegiance from one political party to another as the occasion demands.

Emergent Behaviour

Emergent Behaviour [root: Emergency] describes an AI-endowed leader who has begun to show unpredictable or unintended capabilities, including authoritarian and/or totalitarian tendencies in political outlook.

Large language model

A large language model is simply the technology that allows teleprompters to display speech-text in large font and point-size, so that all but the most inept AI-endowed politicians can read the text without fumbling.

Pattern recognition

Pattern Recognition refers to the innovative system by which the Party Symbol is tattooed on to a newly elected MP/MLA’s hand by  the Lok Sabha Secretariat or concerned Assembly Secretariat. The tattoo helps the MP/MLA  remember to which Party he/she/they/it  presently belongs when the time comes to vote on a Bill  that is tabled in the House. This is of vital importance, as MPS and MLAs switch parties at the drop of a topi (or a dropped call from Enforcement Directorate).  Thus, Pattern Recognition helps MPs and MLAs avoid inadvertent cross-voting, and thereby saves them from painful disciplinary action in the form of whipping by their party Whip.

[to be continued…upon my release from Tihar Jail]

General ravings, Potshots

Arvind Kejriwal wins – gets Anticipatory Jail!

I write this at a time when our most beloved  Arvind Kejriwal, Chief Minister of Delhi and Aam Aadmi Party leader, has been arrested by the Enforcement Directorate and remanded by court order to the ED’s custody for 7 days.  

As a long-term admirer of Kejriwalbhai, I am overjoyed at his arrest and happy for him!  

After all, Kejriwalbhai has loudly and energetically campaigned for his own arrest since 2021, but despite this the nasty evil BJP-led Union Government has consistently denied him his right to be arrested.

In keeping with his selflessness and generosity,  Kejriwalbhai has also ceaselessly and energetically campaigned for the arrest of leaders of other political parties, such as Sonia Gandhi, since 20i5. However, we’ll have to wait and see whether Kejriwalbhai  emerges victorious in those battles too.

Kejriwal’s decade-long struggles to be arrested – rewarded at last

With his arrest now, Kejriwalbhai has achieved yet another splendid victory over his political opponents, that too just before the 2024 Lok Sabha polls.  

We can rest assured that Kejriwalbhai, and his AAP, will reap rich dividends in the LS polls from the sympathy voters, empathy voters, and above all, liquor-loving voters of India who had never before been able to buy booze at such cheap prices in Delhi at public expense, while AAP’s ‘New Liquor Policy’ ran for about 9 months during 2021-2022. Indeed, data in public domain show that during that time, tipplers were flying into Delhi in unprecendented numbers from all over India – and even from Malaysia, Indonesia, and reportedly Alaska and Inner Mongolia – to buy choice liquor by the mega-litres.

This liquor-inspired air travel to and from Delhi, by the way, greatly contributed to the profits of public and private airlines during 2021-2022… so don’t believe the Modi-led BJP government when it tries to take credit for India’s increased air traffic!

Meanwhile, there is much hysterical speculation in main-scream media about whether Kejriwalbhai can continue as Chief Minister of Delhi while lodged in jail, as declared by his AAP-compatriot Atishi .

I pause now to ponder this weighty question. Can he?  

A throaty chuckle interrupts my musings.

It is the Resident Lizard, whom I have grown to respect for being a political analyst par excellence – though admittedly he’s become a bit of a cynic of late; probably due to his highly acidic diet of flies and assorted bugs.

The Resident Lizard is stretched out beside a bottle of Holland gin with a distinctly inebriated look in his soulful eyes.

“Of course Kejriwal can be Chief Minister while in jail,” he declares firmly.  “It is a practical and low-cost administrative solution in public interest. Particularly so, because Kejriwal  will join a number of his AAP Cabinet colleagues who are already in jail.”

“But is it appropriate?” I ask. “How can we have someone behind bars as leader of the state?”

 “Of course it’s appropriate,” he snaps, after snapping at a passing mosquito and missing by millimeters. “Kejriwal and his colleagues are facing charges in a Liquor Scam; so what better place for them to run the state from than behind bars, be they liquor bars or steel bars?”

Abruptly,  he twitches his tail and scuttles off in pursuit of a high-velocity fly.

I muse over his words as I stare at the gin bottle, whose contents appear to have shrunk considerably since I last saw it in October 2023.

Has my reptilian associate been quaffing gin merrily through his winter months of hibernation?  Warming his spirits with spirit as it were, like so many citizens happy with AAP’s liquor policy?

We shall never know.  

Still, it does not take away from the strength of the Resident Lizard’s words – or of the remaining gin.

Meanwhile,  I can only reaffirm my solemn vow to remain a Staunch Votary of AAP, and to share a crude vision of what the inmates of Tihar Jail might be privileged to see in coming days.

Jai Hind! Hail Kejrubhai!

Beastly encounters, General ravings, Musings, Potshots

What’s in a Mane?

Once upon a time, not so long ago, while on a stroll in my neighbourhood, I met a girl, aged about 15, long-faced and short-haired, wearing that sulky, world-weary and prematurely cynical expression that’s so fashionable among today’s young urban elite activist-revolutionaries.

“Have you seen Bombshell?” she asked. Her tone was imperious, peremptory; her accent a pleasant blend of the USA’s North-East and India’s North-West.

I gaped at her. “Bombshell? Which…what…whose bombshell?”

She frowned. “Bombshell’s a cat,” she snapped.

“Oh..ah..yes, I see, your cat! You call it…er… Bombshell? “

“Bombshell’s a He or Him, not an It,” she replied in the withering tone youngsters reserve for dinosaurs like me who come from a time when Tweets were what birds did and Spotify was what leaking fountain pens did. “And you’re saying his name all wrong; his name’s pronounced Zhomm-Shell, not Bombshell. “

I gaped some more and her frown deepened. “Well, have you seen him?” she demanded.

“No, no,” I mumbled. “Meaning, I know a few cats around here, we get along quite well, but I don’t think I’ve met your cat…er…Zhomm-Shell. What a nice name…ah… how do you spell it?”

“Why, J-E-A-N -M-I-C-H-E-L, of course…how else could one spell it for Chrissake?” she snapped.

Wisdom dawned in my foggy brain. “Ah, so you’ve named your cat Jean-Michel?!”

“Yeah, yeah, his name is Jean-Michel,” she replied, slowly and patiently, stressing each word and syllable as a primary school teacher would while explaining something to a particularly dense child. “And Jean-Michel’s not MY cat; he’s a stray. He’s just one of the many stray cats that live here, I’ve given them all names, do you understand? So that I can keep an eye on them…”

“Ah, I see,” I muttered weakly, not seeing at all.

“I think I’ll have to change Jean-Michel’s name, ” she went on, shaking her head sadly. “People are so dumb …especially grown-ups…they can’t even pronounce Jean-Michel properly…”

“But does Jean-Michel know that you’ve named him Jean-Michel?” I asked. I was genuinely interested to know, because I like cats and do believe cats are extremely sharp and sensitive creatures. I also wanted to ask her whether Jean-Michel the cat had learned to pronounce his own name properly, but alas, I didn’t get the chance. Her face turned deep red at my query, she stamped her foot hard, glared at me, let out an explosive “Ooff!” which sounded exactly like a bombshell or rather a Jean-Michel (and even that “Ooff” had a Californian twang in it, mixed with a trace of a Scottish burr, or maybe it was a Karol Bagh rasp)… and then, with a snort of disgust she stormed off looking for the elusive feline.

I remember Jean-Michel the cat now, as I contemplate the national hysteria that’s brewing around the names given to two slightly larger cats in Bengal: a lion named Akbar and a lioness named Sita.

For the benefit of readers who might not be familiar with the facts of this case – which, judging by the saturation media coverage it’s receiving, is a case of supreme national importance that might well determine India’s Standing in the World as a Secular Democracy – here is a quick summary:

  • On 12th February, 2024, two large cats – a lion named Akbar and a lioness named Sita – were transferred from the Sepahijala Zoo in Tripura to the Siliguri Zoo in West Bengal.
  • According to the West Bengal government, the cats had been given their respective names while in Tripura. However, an official from Sepahijala Zoo refuted this allegation, saying: “We had sent a lion and a lioness named Ram and Sita respectively from Sepahijala to Siliguri. We are not aware of what happened at the destination.”
  • On 17th February the Vishwa Hindu Parishad (VHP) filed a case in the Calcutta High Court urging the Court to take immediate corrective action, including “changing the lioness’s name to a non-religious one and directing authorities to refrain from using religious names for animals in zoological parks.”
  • On 22nd February a single-judge bench of the High Court directed the West Bengal government to “reconsider” the names of the two hapless cats. During the proceedings, the judge asked the state government’s counsel: “Mr Counsel, will you yourself name your own pet after some Hindu God or Muslim Prophet … I think, if any one of us would have been the authority, none of us would have named them [the cats] as Akbar and Sita...goddess Sita is worshipped by a large majority of people in the country and Akbar was a successful and secular Mughal Emperor.”
  • Meanwhile, West Bengal Forest Minister and TMC leader Birbaha Hansda added her own twist to this cats’ tale by declaring that the whole issue was ‘dirty politics’ by VHP. “We didn’t name the animals which came to us from Tripura Zoo…It is our Chief Minister (Mamata Bannerjee) who will formally give names to the animals...”

On 24th February, the Tripura government suspended Shri Prabin Lal Agarwal, Principal Chief Conservator of Forests and Ecotourism, for his alleged role in the lion-naming controversy. While a copy of the suspension order against the unfortunate Mr Agarwal is not readily available, highly misplaced and usually uncreditable sources say that he is being accused of “not following the Prescribed Guidebook on Secular Methodologies and Practices for Naming Plants, Insects, Terrestrial and Aquatic Animals, Birds, and other non-Human Species, thereby hurting the religious feelings of the lion and lioness concerned as well as upsetting the secular feelings and communal harmony of India’s citizens as a Hole.”

Seriously, O Sinless Reader, this whole business is so very distressful and confusing.

How sad, that all it takes to set a cat among the pigeons in India is to name a cat – a cat!!! – after some historical and/or revered figure.

Surely Akbar the lion would still grunt and belch in his leonine manner and laze around scratching his ample belly if he had instead been named Subramanian, or Sukhwinder, or Prafullah, or Jalaluddin, or Joseph? Surely Sita the lioness would still wolf down her daily rations with feminine growls of contentment had she been named Yvonne or Shahnaz or Jaswanti or Girija or Harbans Kaur?

Now I fondly recall a monitor lizard that used to hang about our terrace here in Delhi, in the 1990s. We named him Ruknuddin. Why Ruknuddin? We don’t know…but it seemed the perfect name for him. Ruknuddin never knew he was called Ruknuddin, of course; nor did he care…he was too busy being a monitor lizard, which role included regular shikar of sparrows, mynahs, pigeons, squirrels, and other citizens that visited the birdbath on the terrace. [To know more about Ruknuddin, please do click here].

What’s in a name, after all? Or in a mane, for that matter?

Especially, we Hindus ought to understand this….considering the joyous elan with which we attach the names of our Gods and Goddesses and Saints to virtually every sphere of existence, from our own names to our business undertakings. Whether we live in Agartala or Alapuzha, Delhi or Dibrugarh, Madurai or Morena, all we need do is step outside to see a plethora of establishments with names like Shiva Wines, Vishnu Hair Dressers, Sai Stationers, Krishna Dental Clinic, Parvati Shoe Store, Ganesh Liquors, Uma Opticals, Murugan Pathology Lab…

To me it’s not ‘wrong’ to do this; it’s not ‘blasphemous’; it’s simply wonderful! Because it reflects a healthy carelessness and irreverence for blind obeisance, unthinking religious orthodoxy.

It underlines the idiocy of reading ‘sacrilege’ into the naming of a lioness as Sita.

So, get off your moralistic and hobbled hobby-horse, O ye VHP comrades..your outlook and behaviour are almost absurd enough to make a Mamata Bannerjee laugh.

To help my VHP colleagues – and indeed the learned judge who presided over the single-judge bench of the Calcutta High Court – appreciate the irrelevance of names as understood in ancient Hindu culture, and thereby shed their needless anthropomorphism and soothe their over-heated cerebro-neural systems, I urge them to listen to ‘Madalasa’s lullaby’ from the Markandeya Purana…here’s a nice rendition with English sub-titling.

Oh…and just to help my friends experience the healing effects of a chuckle, I also offer an ancient, much-disavowed and universally applicable joke on the fleeting importance of names when it comes to the deeper aspects of Life (apologies to those who might find it a trifle risque):

Potshots, Remembering

Maha-Rat-Bandhan

Namaskaarams, O most Valued Readers! With the grey cells encased in a kind of cerebral permafrost from this grey winter that has enveloped Dilli in a dismal, reeking, sunless chill in which the only daily cheer is brought by the Times of India headline proclaiming that the ‘Air Quality Has Improved From Severe to Very Poor’, I finally found the energy yesterday to stir the frozen appendages and digits, a cell at a time, to compose a small research paper on ‘Rats and Other Politicians I Have Encountered and Studied.’

When, lo, the news emerged that Shri Nitish Kumar, erstwhile Chief Minister of Bihar and senior member of the ‘Mahagathbandhan’ supported by Congress, CPM, CPI, RJD, Trinamool Congress and other affiliated scoundrels of the I.N.D.I.A alliance, had resigned his Chief Ministership and been resworn in as Chief Minister of Bihar supported by BJP, Lok Jan Shakti Party and other affiliated scoundrels of the N.D.A alliance.

With this, Nitish Kumar has created a record of sorts among Indian politicians in defecting from one political party/alliance to another and being sworn in as Chief Minister of Bihar no less than nine times despite assembly elections being held in Bihar only five times.

Suddenly, the chill softens its bite. In a trice, the Rats I Have Encountered and Studied are forgotten. Only the Politicians I Have Encountered and Studied fill the lattices of the decrepit mind, twitching their bristly whiskers and baring their yellowing rodentine teeth in unholy glee; the glee of those political ascetics who, akin to spiritual ascetics in their own unique ways, have abandoned all earthly desires to do public good and egoistic compulsions to be principled and humble, and instead dedicated their lives to the energetic pursuit of power while energetically evading the pursuit of conscience, creditors, and law enforcement agencies.

And now, amid the dim recesses of memory I espy a short article on the same theme composed for and carried by the Indian Express almost exactly twenty years ago: in 2004, just before the Lok Sabha elections that evicted the BJP-led NDA and brought in the Congress-led UPA.

Here’s the article in full . With the Lok Sabha elections due in a few months from now, I wonder whether my proposed solution still has any merit?

[Indian Express: May 3rd, 2004]

Our politicians would make chameleons turn green with envy. The BJP has ditched the DMK and allied with Jayalalithaa’s AIADMK — the party that brought down its government in 1999. The Congress has tied up with the DMK, which it abused in 1997 on the floor of Parliament for its alleged links with the LTTE (thereby bringing down the UF government). Sharad Pawar of NCP is backing the Congress — from which he broke away in 1999 with these immortal words to Sonia Gandhi: “The Congress manifesto should suggest an amendment to the Constitution of India, to the effect that the offices of the president, vice president and prime minister can only be held by natural born Indian citizens. We would also request that you, as Congress president, propose this amendment…”

Now that exit polls predict a hung Parliament, the likes of Pawar, Mulayam, Laloo and Mayawati are licking their lips in anticipation of singular largesse from the ‘single largest party’. Ministerial berths will obscure issues of foreign birth; suitcases will assure reprieve from civil suits and CBI cases; doublespeak and whitewash will transform ‘communal’ into ‘secular’ and vice versa.

How can such deceitful practices be ended?

Perhaps the president of India could adopt the Vatican’s system of electing a new pope. Just as the College of Cardinals is locked up in the Sistine Chapel until it chooses a new pope (by two-thirds majority plus one within 13 days, or a simple majority thereafter), the president could incarcerate the newly elected MPs in the Lok Sabha till they similarly choose a consensus prime minister. As with the cardinals, our MPs should be totally sealed off from the outside world during their conclave.

Elected this way, the PM would already have proven her/his majority support in the House, and may then choose a Cabinet from among the MPs and get on with the business of governance.

No doubt this MPs’ conclave will be acrimonious and lengthy. But at least it will ensure a stable government. All arrangements could be made to ensure the MPs a comfortable sojourn — including medical teams to treat any injuries suffered by them during their debates.

One detail: How do they indicate to the outside world that they have chosen a PM? The Vatican cardinals send white smoke signals by burning their final (successful) ballot papers. Our MPs could send similar smoke signals by setting alight their party manifestos!

General ravings, Musings

Hamas Tamas

I’m writing this because I’m afraid.

It’s okay to be afraid in the face of violence; I know that. It’s understandable.

No one understood and explained this fear better than Nikita Khrushchev, who succeeded Joseph Stalin as First Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union in 1953.

Joseph Stalin is counted among the greatest of mass murderers in human history. Stalin had initiated and actively guided innumerable, unspeakable crimes against humanity during his 30-year-rule from 1924 to 1953: large-scale arrests and torture of innocents, deportation of hundreds of thousands to slave labour camps, assassinations, mass executions, genocidal pogroms against Jews, ‘ethnic cleansing’ of groups like Poles, Greeks, Latvians…an endless list of horrors. Countless millions were murdered by the paranoid dictator, including members of the Communist Party themselves; in the year 1937–38 alone, over 680,000 Party workers were executed for ‘anti-Soviet activities’…

Khrushchev was a survivor of the dreaded Stalinist purges. Under Khrushchev’s leadership, the Communist Party held its 20th Session from 14th to 25th February, 1956 (it was called the ‘Secret Session’ because details of its proceedings became known to the world only 33 years later—in 1989).  In his long, impassioned address, Khrushchev stunned the gathered members by denouncing Stalin for the atrocities committed during his rule. At one point, when Khrushchev paused in his speech, someone in the gathering shouted out a challenge to him: “Why did you not speak up at that time, Comrade Khrushchev? Where were you? Why were you silent?“

There was pin-drop silence.

And then Khruschev called out: “Who said that?”

There was silence in the great hall.

“Who said that?” Khruschev called out again, his voice louder now.

Silence.

“WHO SAID THAT?” Khruschev thundered, pounding the table.

After a long, ominous silence, Khruschev murmured: “THAT is why I was silent, Comrade…THAT is why I did not speak up…”

Applause began, slowly at first, gathering to a crescendo.

As I write this, the Israel Defence Force (IDF) is wreaking destruction throughout southern Gaza after a brief ‘temporary suspension’ of its military operations during which Hamas was supposed to return, in phased manner, an estimated 250 hostages taken from Israel on October 7th in return for Palestinians jailed in Israel.  After returning barely two score hostages Hamas reneged on the plan and instead fired a few hundred rockets into Israel; and so once again Israel is spreading death across Gaza.

Israel strikes deeply, relentlessly, wiping out Hamas terrorists by the score and by the hundreds — and with them, thousands of innocents caught in the crossfire, almost all of them Arab Muslims whom we in the rest of the world call ‘Palestinian’, the majority of them below the age of 20; young men and women and children whom the Hamas have ruled for over ten years with all the ruthlessness and cruelty of a Joseph Stalin or an Adolf Hitler or a Pol Pot. Hamas’ leaders and religious teachers have terrorized and brutalized these young Palestinians from childhood; they have deliberately twisted and warped the young ones’ minds using the time-tested media of fear and pain and hunger and deprivation and  ceaseless, relentless, calibrated propaganda…thereby seeding in their fresh young minds a deep, unwavering, murderous, lifelong hatred of all non-Muslims and particularly those of the Jewish faith. Thus has Hamas created a human bank of brutalized, mind-numbed youngsters, which Hamas draws upon to make up its own murderous cadres.

A truly sustainable business model, no?

But then Hamas has only adapted, honed and practised the same sustainable business model  used by leaders and their frightful legions across the world, throughout humankind’s bloody history, to subjugate and exploit and rule the silent, trembling masses.

First, create an Other among the masses you exploit.

Then, even as you exploit the masses, heap all the blame for their deprivations and sufferings on the Other and direct their hatred towards the Other.

And then, guide the masses in massacring the hated Other…even as you prepare the foundations for creating the next Other.

We in India know this business model only too well. We have applied this business model so often and so effectively post-Independence! We could give the world post-graduate courses in how to create an Other in the name of religion, ethnicity, language, caste, class, ideology…and the results of our efforts are clear and tangible, from the slaughters of Partition to this day,

It is a business model adopted and fine-tuned and applied by humans across the planet: by Daesh and Al Qaeda and Taliban and Khmer Rouge and the Nazi ShutzStaffel; by Catholics against Protestants and Protestants against Catholics and Christians against Muslims and Muslims against Hindus and Hindus against Muslims and everybody against the Jews, by the armies of the Crusades and the Inquisition, of Alexander and Attila and Allaudin and Aurangzeb… 

Now, in Gaza, the remnants of  Hamas cower in the vast warren of tunnels and safe houses they have excavated  deep under hospitals, schools, mosques to escape the Israeli onslaught…for, such is their bravery and depravity, these once-men who have besmirched the name of Islam and insulted its Prophet by their monstrous deeds of October 7th 2023, when their cadres swept across the Gaza border into Israel without warning to indulge in an orgy of mass murder, of sadistic pleasure in raping and maiming and burning alive, of slaughtering  over 1500 men, women, children, babies simply because they were Jews.

Now, the Israeli onslaught on Gaza grows more intense and horrific with every discovery by the Israel Defence Forces of the bodies of Jewish hostages amidst the ruins, many bearing signs of inhuman torture.

Now, nations across the planet, the United Nations, the world media, all of us wring our hands in helpless horror at the ongoing carnage in Gaza and the death of innocents. We condemn the Israeli onslaught in Gaza, we call for ceasefire, as indeed we all should, as is natural.

And yet…and yet…the strange and terrible thing is, almost all nations, almost all mainstream and social media, so many of us, carefully, deliberately, avoid any mention of the slaughter of Jews by Hamas on October 7th. That horror is now buried beneath mountains of gobbledygook and whataboutery (“What about Palestinian human rights? What about the illegal Israeli occupation of West Bank?” “What about the Israelis torturing Palestinians? ) if not utterly erased from memory—or completely denied as ‘fake news’ or Israeli propaganda, even though much of the hideous video footage from October 7th is still freely available on social media and the Net, footage that was taken by the proud, gloating Hamas cadres on their own phones, complete with selfies…

 Very few anywhere in the world, leave alone the Islamic nations, dare call the Hamas out for what they are.  So many great leaders, intellectuals, journalists, writers across the world are silent about Hamas’ atrocities on October 7th, silent even in calling out others who echo Hamas’ hatred for Jews. A few days ago, during a US Congressional Hearing on anti-Semitism, even the heads of great universities like Harvard, Pennsylvania, MIT quailed and muttered gobbledygook when asked if they condemn strident calls for the genocide of Jews made by fanatical groups on their own ‘liberal’ campuses [click here and here to view]

Their fear is understandable. I feel the same fear.

After all, today, it is safer for me to be pro-Palestine (if not pro-Hamas), than it is to be pro-Israel.  

If I’m pro-Palestine, there’s less chance that I’ll have my head lopped off or my throat slit (or worse) by an Israeli soldier or Israeli civilian. If I’m pro-Palestine there’s less chance that someone who doesn’t know me, or even a friend, might condemn me as being ‘anti-Islam’…for such has become our world.

I, too, feel fear at calling out Hamas for what they are: inhuman, depraved, hate-filled, genocidal anti-Semitic kooks. But there: I’ve called them out.

I’ll say it again: Hamas is a bunch of inhuman, depraved, hate-filled, anti-Semitic kooks.

Calling Hamas out for its inhumanity does not mean I support the slaughter of innocent Palestinians in Gaza by Israel. It only means I refuse to deny the reality of the horrors Hamas committed on Israelis on October 7th or remain silent about it; I refuse to remain silent at Hamas’ undiminished and unrepentant calls to all Muslims in the world to unite and wipe out Israel and all Jews from the face of the earth.

I speak up only for myself…and only to assert, for my own sanity’s sake, that I reject and condemn violence. I shall not be drawn to compare acts of Hamas violence with acts of Israeli violence or condone one or the other. I shall not compose and balance kookery equations.

 And I draw inspiration from some who know what’s happened and is happening in Israel and Gaza far better than I do, and who HAVE shown the courage to speak up, to call out Hamas for the monstrous creatures they are.

Like reporter Douglas Murray, interviewed on the Gaza border a fortnight ago:  

Yet speak up I must, even if I manage only a whisper, a feeble word spoken here or written there.

At worst I’ll die some day at the hands of some kook or the other; but then I will die only once.

The coward who does not speak up will die a thousand deaths…before dying.

Ancient writings, Musings, Remembering

Choose

This is one of half a dozen short stories I wrote back in mid-1993: soon after I quit my job as a banker of 13 years’ vintage to don the lifelong disguise of writer… …and soon after Bombay, and India, plunged into a bloodfest organized by an unholy alliance of religious and temporal kooks, primarily Muslim and Hindu; a bloodfest that polarized India, lasted nearly 10 years and still erupts from time to time. The stories explored different manifestations of violence; the themes were all largely drawn from reality…and often, as in this case, built around personal experience.

I thought I’d wipe 30 years’ dust off this story and post it now…at a time when we feel pressurized to Choose every second of our lives in every aspect of our lives between This extreme and That extreme in a world that’s become Binary, a time when Russians and Ukrainians are slaughtering one another, when Hamas has achieved spectacular new depths of mass butchery of men, women and children in Israel and Israel is reducing Gaza and the bones of its residents to rubble…

I’d welcome your comments, Gentle Reader, as always.

I could see the highway as I descended the steep lane from my hill-top colony. It was awash with rain water, twin ribbons of glistening, rippling grey-black macadam stretching away in both directions, deserted at this early hour. The narrow mud-and-rubble divider that ran in between was as black as the ominous cloud-layer above. It was cold, and I shivered as the moisture-laden wind from the west tugged at my shawl.It was a good half-a-kilometre down to the 24/7 medical store on the road that led to the railway station. I had a terrible migraine, and needed to buy an inhaler and tablets.

I crossed the little bridge that gave on to the highway and waded across the flooded road till I reached the divider. Stepping on to it, I turned and began to walk along its length, picking my way carefully through the jumble of stones and clumps of rain-drenched grass. Walking along the divider would be slow and slippery, yet far preferable to wading along the verge where the water was deepest. And on the divider, at least I could be confident that no hidden brimming-over potholes waited, open-mouthed and hungry, to swallow me whole.

I saw movement to my left. In the darkness, two—no, three black shapes materialized on the verge and began to cross the road ahead of me. The men must have come up from the sprawling shanty-town that lay to the left, below the highway. I watched as they ascended the divider and walked towards me. One of them, I saw, carried a shapeless black bundle upon his shoulder.

They stopped, all of a sudden, about fifty feet ahead of me, and went into a huddle, heads close together. Something about their manner, some faint, inexplicable sense of uneasiness, made me slow down and come to a standstill. They hadn’t seen me yet. I watched as the tallest figure—the one with the bundle—brought his arms up and swung the bundle off his shoulder. It landed in the mud with a soggy thump.

The three figures stood, motionless, as though waiting for something.

I glanced at my watch. 05:20.

In another ten minutes, the great convoys of Bombay-bound trucks would be released from their shackles at the toll-tax gates a kilometre up the highway to the north, and soon the three lanes to the left would be filled with countless tonnes of hurtling metal and the air would reverberate with the triumphant roar of the trucks as they sped towards the wholesale markets and industrial belts of the great city.

As yet, though, the silence was disturbed only by the bubbling and chuckling of the flooded drains and sewage canals on either side of the highway. A light drizzle began, but I just stood there and watched the three figures as they hulked over the dark bundle at their feet. After a moment, the tall one—obviously the leader—squatted down and began to work at the top of the bundle. Curiosity overcame apprehension; I crept forward till I was barely twenty feet away from them, and now I could clearly see what was happening. The bundle was a jute sack, the kind used to pack grain or sugar in; the tall man was undoing the tight knots that bound the sack’s neck, with what seemed to be extraordinary caution.

He worked away silently, and his companions stood about him, watching his busy fingers as intently as I was. A pale, watery-grey light broke out over the dark hills to the east, just as the tall man undid the final knot and sprang back.

For a few seconds nothing happened. And then…the sack moved. One of the men laughed softly, but was shushed by the tall man. Their eyes were on the sack; if they’d seen me, they showed no signs of it.

Again, the sack moved…as though, deep within its rough, sodden folds, something was wriggling about, struggling to emerge.

A hum reached my ears, and deepened and grew steadily till it pulsed and throbbed in the thick atmosphere. The trucks were on the move, and approaching rapidly.

The three men had apparently been waiting for this; for, each one stepped back a pace and reached into his shawl. Their hands emerged, and now each hand bore a weapon. Strange weapons they were, too. The tall one held a long metal rod with a vicious hook at the end; one of his companions gently, almost lovingly, swung a bicycle chain; and the third man had a chipped cricket bat in his grip. Heart thudding, I watched and waited; not knowing what to expect beyond the conviction that, whatever it was, it was going to be violent.

The hum became a roar, and the first of the trucks passed by an instant later in a welter of noise, tyres hissing in the water and leaving a great filthy brown spray in its wake. It was followed a few seconds later by another, and then another, until the vehicles were thundering past in a continuous stream and the very earth trembled beneath their weight. The spray from the tyres rose ten feet into the air, and added its muddy weight to the drizzle; but I was oblivious to anything but the drama unfolding on the divider.

The tall man stared at the passing trucks for a moment, nodded to his companions as if satisfied, and then kicked the sack viciously. The sack shifted a foot, and from within it emerged shrill shrieks that made my skin crawl and my hair stand on end. It was the sound made by rodents in anger and in pain…

Now, something moved along the neck of the sack: a large lump, moving up slowly, followed by a smaller lump. The small lump suddenly shot forward until it collided with the large one; the neck of the sack twisted and turned, there came a squeal of agony from its interior; and then the larger lump disappeared and only the smaller lump moved, closer and closer to the mouth of the sack where it lay in the mud.

I held my breath as the lump reached the mouth of the sack. I darted a glance at the three men. They stood about the sack, tension in their stiff, motionless limbs, their silhouetted weapons infinitely threatening.

The mouth of the sack widened, and something emerged. At first, only a pair of long, dark whiskers; trembling, sniffing the air for threat and danger. The men stood like rocks while the whiskers twitched for an interminable period…and then, with shocking suddenness, a lithe, grey-black form leaped from the mouth of the sack and bounded straight across the divider—towards the deserted road on the right side.

The three men were faster. Like striking cobras, their arms rose and descended, again and again. One terrible shriek, quickly cut off…and the rat lay, broken and bloody, in the muck.

Even as my mind struggled to make sense out of what I’d just seen, the sack moved again. Horrified, yet fascinated, I watched as another pair of whiskers emerged from the mouth of the sack and tested the air. This time, one of the men expedited things by tapping the sack cloth behind the lump. The rat—it was a larger, rangier specimen than its unfortunate predecessor—shot out and headed straight down the divider. Towards me! I yelled involuntarily and leaped several feet into the air, but it was unnecessary; the bicycle chain cut the rat nearly in two, and for a horrible moment both segments quivered perceptibly in the mud.

Someone hissed. I looked up and saw all three men staring at me. Their faces were completely expressionless, but there was something about the glittering eyes in their dark sockets that sent a thrill of terror down my spine. I felt as though I were an intruder…yes, an intruder…at some dark, secret ritual being practiced there, in the middle of the highway.

This is ridiculous, I told myself. I’m in the suburbs of Mumbai, this is the twentieth century, neither the place nor time to imagine things…

The tall man took a single step towards me, and suddenly the impulse to run seized me. Run, the voice in my mind screamed. This is something you don’t understand, you can’t understand. Get away! Run!

But just then, a frenzied squealing from the sack diverted our attention. Turning my head, I saw no less than three rats fall out of the sack in a writhing lump.

A strange, feral cry rose from the men’s lips, the weapons rose even as the rats scrambled to their feet. Two scuttled to the right, and were butchered before they reached even halfway towards the deserted road. The third, however, headed for the road to the left. Towards the river of trucks, and their churning, grinding wheels.

And now a strange thing happened. The three men paused, weapons poised in mid-strike, and their eyes followed the rat as it crawled painfully towards the edge of the divider. One leg trailed behind it, apparently injured in the scuffles within the sack. The men made no move to hinder its progress.

The rat reached the edge of the divider, hesitated and made as if to turn about and crawl along the divider instead. The tall man reached out and flipped it around with the hooked rod in his hand. The rat staggered, fell over and landed on the road, whiskers twitching nervously as giant wheels passed within inches of its nose.

The tall man prodded it behind the tail…and the rat ran. With what little strength it had left, it ran across the road in an awful three-legged gait.

The three men hunkered down on their heels to watch its progress, and their eyes were wide and glittering, mouths half-open, eager…I couldn’t look, didn’t want to look, and yet I strained my eyes and peered beneath the passing wheels. I couldn’t see anything, but the three men obviously could. A simultaneous cry rose from them, savage triumph in its tone. The tall one raised his face to the sky and chanted aloud, almost as would a priest invoking celestial powers. His words cut through the rain; they were in rich rural dialect, they were weird…and they froze the blood in my veins.

Behold, the beast Chose its path through the Blaze

It Chose the Path of Pain; by its own Choice has been slain

So shall we treat Bearers of Misfortune in coming days

Faced with the Fire of our Wrath they will Choose…and be cut in twain


I felt my knees tremble. I willed myself to move, to leave that terrible scene, but I just couldn’t. The sack was full of frantic movement now, as if its occupants were aware of their doom; as if, somehow, they knew that an awful ritual of Choice awaited them outside the sack.

I stood there and watched while two more rats emerged from the sack, turned right and were promptly beaten to death. A third one emerged, a young one; small and thin, with a piercing high squeak. This one opted for the river of trucks, and was ground into the slush by a speeding sixteen-wheeler. The three men cheered.

But now, the sack did a little flip; and then a huge shape distended the neck of the sack, crept closer to its mouth, and the three men tensed and held their weapons at the ready.

A giant sigh went up from them as a large, grey-whiskered snout appeared at the mouth of the sack. Small, crafty eyes peered this way and that; pointed ears twitched; and then the rodent crawled out onto the mud and sat down on its haunches as if absolutely nothing untoward was going on.

Rajah, I heard one of the men whisper in awe.

Rajah. The King.

I saw what he meant. The Rajah was easily the biggest field-rat I’d ever seen. He must have been all of thirty inches from weathered snout to leathery tail, with a lean, muscular body and a certain look about him, a battle-scarred, war-veteran look. Cats would have had second thoughts about tangling with such an adversary.

The tall man raised his hand and the thin steel rod whistled as it scythed down. The Rajah was faster. He sat there till the very last moment…and then, in one fluid motion, he sprang into the air, slashed at the tall man’s bony ankle with long, yellowed teeth, landed in the mud with a thump and then ran straight for the divider’s edge. To the left, where the endless procession of trucks roared and churned the flooded waters of the road.

The tall man yelled in fury and pain, dropped his weapon and hopped about on one foot, holding his ankle. His companions, after one quick glance at him, turned and followed the Rajah’s progress. I saw the great rodent reach the edge of the divider, and suddenly madness took hold of me. I wanted this rat to cross safely, wanted it so badly that I yelled aloud. I wanted the Rajah to reach the other side and turn around and thumb his hoary nose at these murderers. I yelled encouragement as the Rajah stepped off the divider and scampered across the road. I squatted down on my heels and watched him go.

And how the Rajah went! Like a bullet he raced across the foaming surface; a huge set of wheels swished past, and for a few seconds all I could see was a sea of frothing brown water; but then I spotted him again, already halfway across, snout in air, tail waving about furiously. For a moment it seemed certain that he would be hit by an approaching petrol-tanker. The giant truck bore down upon the Rajah, the scene disappeared in a brown waterfall…and then the Rajah was scampering along on the other side, unscathed. He didn’t turn around to thumb his nose, he just vanished over the verge, but I was too elated to care. Hoarse, near-hysterical cheering reached my ears, and it was a while before I realized, with a start, that it came from my own throat.

I stopped short, then, and looked around at the three men. They stood there, staring back at me, and there was hatred, pure hatred, in their eyes. The tall one hissed something, and all three started to move towards me.

No, this can’t be happening to me, I remember thinking as I squatted there, paralysed by the look in their eyes. But then I saw the steel rod rise, and I leaped to my feet and I ran, dear God how I ran. I ran back towards home, and I kept seeing their faces as I ran, especially their cold, glittering eyes. I reached the point where I had crossed over from the bridge, and now the screaming torrent of trucks lay between the bridge and where I was, but I heard the pounding of feet behind me and I just ran out onto the road, screaming myself, and dodged and twisted and shut my eyes and kept going, and the screeching of brakes filled my ears and I fetched up with a great thump against something hard and waited for oblivion.

I opened my eyes and found myself in the grip of a policeman: a very large, very annoyed policeman. Even now I remember the smell of stale sweat from him, the crumpled uniform, the dark circles under his eyes from tiredness or lack of sleep; he must have been a night shift constable returning home from duty. He stared at me, breathing hard, as I gasped out my tale of violence and terror. From time to time I twisted my neck to peer towards the divider, to see if I could spot my pursuers between the passing trucks. But there was no sign of the men. A new fear grew in me as I babbled my incoherent tale: the policeman wouldn’t believe me; he would think I was stoned on drugs, or drunk, or insane.

At length, he released his iron grip on my shoulders. He stepped back a pace, surveyed me from head to toe, and then spat to one side.

“So these men scared you, did they?” He went on without waiting for a reply. `Ah…well, I understand your fear. What they did must have seemed a little strange to someone like you, an Angrezi-wallah city-dweller…especially someone who doesn’t understand our local culture, doesn’t even belong to our province…”

I gaped at him. “I was terrified,” I mumbled. “They were madmen, the way they killed those rats…they might well have killed me if I hadn’t fled!”

He waved a thick wrist and laughed indulgently. “Now, now, stay calm. Yes, what they did was certainly unusual, quite different from tradition, from the conventional ritual…”

“What! I don’t understand…”

He went on as if I hadn’t spoken. “…But then this is a big city, you see, things cannot be done the same way here as in our villages. And so naturally such things can’t be done in the traditional, proper ways…”

I couldn’t believe my ears. “What do you mean…”

“These men…they made do with what they had,” the policeman went on, his voice a little dreamy, “Back in our villages, we traditionally catch the rats and put them in a pot—a matka—rather than a sack. And we place the matka in a bamboo trap, and light a slow charcoal fire below it.” His eyes shone as he warmed to his theme. “This bamboo trap is just like a maze, you see, there’s only one winding way out of it. The rats have to find this way out – or they’ll burn. At every turn they have to make a choice. A choice! And even the rats that make the right choices, as they go, have to pass through a series of bamboo gates before they can get out. Each gate is delicately balanced, it is a gate of Death. If the rat so much as touches the gate it falls, and its finely sharpened bamboo splints impale…”

But I didn’t wait to hear anymore. I fled for home.

All this was last Tuesday. I haven’t been out since.

My neighbours, my friends and office colleagues, think I’m unwell. That’ll do for now. I can’t tell them the truth, can I? I can’t tell anybody the truth. No-one would believe me; they’d laugh at me, they’d think I’ve gone crazy.

There’s plenty of food and stuff; I have home delivery from the kirana store halfway down the hill, certainly I’m not going to starve to death. But for how long can I shut myself in here? How long can I keep up this pretense, how long can I go on like this?

I can’t sleep; I dare not sleep, the nightmares are so bad now, the migraine like a fire consuming my senses. I need to go see a doctor!

Hell, I’ve got to go to work! I’ve got to ‘phone people.

But to do all that, to do anything, I’ll have to go down to the highway. And I can’t do that.

But I’m not safe here, either.

They saw me flee across the road, they know now that I live here.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow; but sooner or later, when bad luck, when some misfortune strikes them, they’ll think back and they’ll remember the Rajah. The One That Got Away.

And then they’ll remember me.

I, Bearer of their Misfortune. I, their enemy.

And the highway’s where they’ll be waiting for me, with their weapons. Or else, they’ll come for me, here, at home.

Sooner or later, I’ll have to choose. between going out and just cowering here in terror.

Like the rats, I have to choose…