Congress

Ancient writings, Musings, Remembering, Verse perverse

The redness of Sindhoor – 1

Mani's avatarMani 3 Comments

O Gentle and Patient Reader,  I take the liberty of posting an article—a lament of sorts—written by my dear and departed friend Ghatotkacha in late 2008, soon after the terrible attack by Pakistani-trained terrorists on Mumbai on 26th November 2008. Ghatotkacha was my guide, my teacher, so close to my heart, in a very real sense my alter ego. I empathized with and endorsed every word in his article then. as I do now.

I post this the day after India’s Independence Day, 2025; a time when India and Pakistan still obsess over Operation Sindhoor, the name given to India’s short but devastatingly effective military campaign against Pakistan-based terrorist and military  infrastructure in  May 2025.

I post this article even though it is filled with anger and bitterness. I post this for the simple reason that I, like my fellow Indians, am conditioned to ignore and forget my own history…and worse, to eagerly seize upon and adopt, on continuous basis, others’ versions of my own history without a care.

I believe we must be brave enough to remember and come to terms with all that we ever really were, and really did, and really experienced: whether right or wrong, good or bad, sublime or horrific.

Because only then can we learn, only then can we act. With neither self-loathing nor hatred. But with Equanimity.

Only then can we heal ourselves, and move on…

[That’s what another old and eternal friend Krishna counselled…]

Happy Janmashtami! May the Playwright of the Eternal Drama

Bless us, illumine our minds, guide our actions

So we don’t forget our lines, lost control of our passions

Or trip and fall, arse over elbow, on this Great Stage of Dharma

Boil the Pakistani frog

26/11, Mumbai: In Memoriam

[© Ghatotkacha Hidimbi Bhimasena (late): December, 2008]

First there was the rage.

Fury poured out on to the streets of Mumbai post 26th November 2008, fiery words spewed from the mouths of countless anchors on a hundred TV channels. There was much talk of retaliation, of revenge, of this latest atrocity by Pakistan-sponsored and Pakistan-supported and Pakistan-sheltered and Pakistan-trained terrorists being the last straw.

“India has been restrained all these decades…but enough is enough!” These words about summed up the collective feeling of the Indian people after 200 innocent men, women and children were slaughtered by 10 murderers from Pakistan. Murderers helped overtly and covertly by the Pakistani military, the Pakistani establishment.

The evidence of Pakistan’s complicity was clear.

The world witnessed the massacre of innocents, on live TV.

The world awaited India’s response…as the Indian people did.

Two weeks passed, during which for the first time in memory the Indian political establishment actually appeared to have achieved the unimaginable – namely, to unite and speak as one in national interest.

“We are with the government in combating this evil force that has attacked our nation, that threatens the future of India,” said Opposition leader and BJP member (late) L K Advani on the floor of Parliament.

The Congress-led UPA leadership, in a symbolic move, sent the derelict Home Minister Shivraj Patil home and appointed the inflationary and inflated-ego Finance Minister P Chidambaram in his place.

In a rare and refreshing contrast to the Congress’ customary rodent-like squeak-speakers, External Affairs Minister Pranab Mukherjee fumed and fulminated against Pakistan and its deceitful references to the attackers as ‘non-state actors’, at one point memorably asking: “Do these non-state actors come from heaven?”

Equally remarkable was the fact that during these two weeks the Indian media collectively stayed with the Pakistan-sponsored terrorist attack story – that too sans the usual faffing in politically correct journo-speak, which requires that any atrocity by any kooks who claim to be ‘Muslim’ can only be reported as such when it can be ‘balanced out’ by reportage on a similar atrocity—real or imaginary— committed by kooks claiming to be ‘Hindu’. [This is, of course, the famous Balancing of the Kookery Equation Principle formulated by British sociologists in the 1850s, refined by the Congress and Communist Party of India (Marxist) post-Independence, and taught as a foundational course by mainstream Indian media houses to trainee reporters and journalists.]

Curiously, the English-language Indian media (seriously! That’s what they call themselves, and we call them) named the atrocity ‘26/11’—because ‘26/11’ resonates so well with the USA’s ‘9/11’—and so this name has stuck, even though it blithely ignores the fact that for the Americans, ‘9/11’ actually stands for September 11th (and not 9th November); by that logic we Indians should have called this Mumbai attack ‘11/26’. 

But then, what’s in a name, no?

At least for a change, there were no cut-and-paste editorials in the newspapers and magazines on how India must exercise ‘restraint’, no pious and ponderous platitudes on why India must follow the process of ‘dialogue’ and ‘negotiation’ with Pakistan rather than that of ‘confrontation’…

For the first time in history we were spared the logorrhea of human rights activists campaigning for the well-being of Ajmal Kasab, the sole Pakistani terrorist captured alive; spared, too, the hysterical outpourings of assorted pamphleteers drawing parallels between Mumbai 26/11 and Gujarat 2002 and Mumbai 1992/93.

By the time December 12th 2008 dawned, one actually dared wonder: had we, in India’s Civilian Street, finally discovered those rare qualities, Courage and Resolve?

Would the Indian political leadership, along with the bureaucrats and policy wonks and diplomats and strategic eggheads have the guts and the gumption to unshackle and unleash the calibrated might of our defense forces to strike and eliminate the sources of terrorist infection in our neighbour Pakistan’s ailing body? To strike not to destroy Pakistan, but rather to strengthen the Pakistani people in their silent, six-decade-old war against the Pakistani religious fanatics who rule them with fear; the monsters in clerical and military uniforms who have created schools of pain in the name of God, schools in which they have brutalized innocent young Pakistani boys and transformed them into the twisted, hate-filled murderers who call themselves Al Qaeda, Lashkar e Tayyeba, Harkat ul Jihad Islami, Jaish Mohammed?

We hoped so. The signs were good.

Alas, it was a futile hope.

In the two weeks since December 12th, 2008, the great show of bravado put up by our politicos and the media has all come unstuck faster than the dhoti of a certain senior Congress leader with a penchant for flashing.

As of 26th December, 2008 – exactly a month after the attack on Mumbai – India’s measures to avenge the Mumbai atrocity and cleanse Pakistan of terrorists comprise the following key elements:

  • Our nominal and notional PM, Manmohan Singh, has repeatedly appealed to the US, Britain, Australia, and any other country that might listen (and there haven’t been too many) to urge Pakistan not to send terrorists to India.
  • The PM and the Minister of External Affairs have repeatedly appealed to the United Nations to tell Pakistan not to send terrorists to India.
  • The PM and the Minister of External Affairs (as well as assorted Ministers of other Infernal Affairs) have repeatedly expressed disappointment that the international community is not telling Pakistan not to send terrorists to India.
  • The de facto PM Sonia Gandhi has repeatedly declared that India will give a ‘befitting reply’ to terrorists who think they can divide India on communal lines. (She is, apparently, even now drafting out the befitting reply on a standard-issue Congress party greeting card, which will doubtless be sent duly by Registered Post (with Acknowledgement Due) to Pakistan’s notional President Asif Zardari with copies for information and necessary action to Hafiz Muhammad Sayed of Lashkar e Tayyeba and Masood Azar of Jaish Mohammed..
  • The PM and the new Home Minster have announced the formulation of a new anti-terrorist law that will also include, in its ambit, heinous offences like smoking ganja and abusing politicians (might as well turn myself in).
  • The Hon’ble Union Minister A R Antulay has declared that the entire Mumbai atrocity was just a pre-planned strategy by Hindu fanatics to conceal the assassination of certain Mumbai police officers who were inquiring into bomb attacks targeting Muslims in Malegaon, Maharashtra by their brethren Hindu fanatics.
  •  The MEA has denied Pakistani media allegations that India had a hand in a car bomb attack in Lahore on 24thDecember – and continues to deny it even after the Pakistanis lost interest in the case after a Taliban splinter group claims responsibility for the Lahore car bomb attack.

Saddest of all, the print media editors, the TV talk-show hosts and their attendant analysts, the academia and intelligentsia and not-so-intelligentsia,  caution the Indian government with increasing shrillness and anxiety, about the dangers of any kind of strikes against a ‘nuclear-armed Pakistan’.

It makes one wonder:  why doesn’t Pakistan ever worry the same way about striking against a nuclear-armed India?

How the late and much-unlamented Paki dictator Zia-ul-Haque of the ‘boiled-frog’ strategy must be chuckling— even in his special cell in Shaitan’s Eternal Abode— at India’s self-imposed paralysis following the attacks of 26th November.

And so India’s leadership will wait—as always.

And so India will wait, as ever making a virtue out of inaction and passiveness; wait for the next attack by Pakistani terrorists…

http://creative.sulekha.com/boil-the-pakistani-frog_383941_blog

General ravings, Potshots

Great Indian Grope Trick, Slipped Discus Throw, Spittle Chase…India prepares to top next Olympics!

Mani's avatarMani 5 Comments

[Statutory warning: politically incorrect; scatological. May be offensive to nationalists, communists, communalists and other ideologists. Any resemblance to any real characters or events is entirely intentional]

I’m so happy for our young Indian athletes who did so well at the just-concluded Paralympics in Paris; in all they won 29 medals! And at the Olympic Games last month, too, our Indian athletes did well—winning 6 medals.

Yet, with China topping the Paralympics with 220 medals, and the USA topping the Olympics with 126 medals, we can’t help think that the Indian government, the Indian corporates, the Indian media money bags…in short the Indian establishment can and should do much more to support sports in India so that more Indian youngsters are given the opportunities and encouragement to become high-performing athletes who can qualify to participate in international sporting events and win more medals.  

To get more gyaan on this matter we obtained an interview with the internationally discredited sports expert Professor Glucose Kuriakose Gillidandan, Head of the Centre for Research & Advanced  Programs in Sports (CRAPS) of the Ministry of Sports, and winner of many national awards including the coveted Bakasura Prize for Sports Dietetics & Nutrition, 2011.

We met Prof. Gillidandan at his comfortable office-cum-laboratory complex in Shahdara, New Delhi, overlooking the rippling brown waters of the Shahdara Drain. A beautiful miniature marble sculpture of the fearsome Bakasura, Rakshasa of Insatiable Appetite, stood on Prof. Gillidandan’s colossal desk next to a laptop, a pen-stand, and assorted files. Through the open window, a gentle breeze occasionally brought in the heady organic aromas of the Shahdara drain, blended deliciously with the sharp inorganic aromas of nitric acid, sulphur dioxide and chlorine from the hundreds of informal and illegal e-waste recycling units spread across the vast urban village of Seelampur on the other bank of the Drain.

“Rest assured India will soon be a leading Olympian power,” Prof. Gillidandan declared in response to our opening query.  “My team at CRAPS is implementing a low-cost, innovative strategy which will guarantee that our budding young athletes will win at least 50 gold medals in the L.A. Olympics, 2028, and top the medals chart in the 2032 Games!”

We were thrilled at his words. “Yeh Bharat Mahaan!” we yelled in our enthusiasm, and he leaned back and smiled while the three peons in the room, along with several chaprasis, clerks, and affiliated touts in the reception hall outside raucously echoed the patriotic chant.

“But…er… how will you achieve this ambitious goal?” we asked when the tumult subsided.

Prof. Gillidandan smiled. “We have adopted a two-pronged strategy.  One: instead of wasting precious time and money in creating costly new sports training infrastructure like stadiums, running tracks, and so on, we will use the sports training infrastructure that is readily available all around us already —in the streets and other public places all across our country—to help build all the qualities that young aspiring athletes need: like courage, self-belief, strength, speed, reflexes, flexibility, determination, endurance, and so. In this way, at virtually no extra cost, we can train and create thousands of world-class Indian athletes! “

We were puzzled, but did not interrupt as he was clearly warming to his theme.

“Two,” he went on, “we are also developing a few innovative, uniquely Indian sports events that we will pilot in the next National Games, and thereafter recommend for adoption in the Olympics and other international sports events. These new sports events are broadly modelled on existing Olympic events— but most importantly, they are also perfectly attuned to the same local conditions in our cities where our youngsters will train. Naturally, our newly-trained  Indian athletes will be able to win many medals in these new events… so it’s a win-win strategy! “

We were deeply impressed. “Er…could you please explain with an example or three …?”

Prof. Gillidandan thought for a moment.

“All right, a good example is our latest invention, the Dribble Jump©.  CRAPS has modelled the Dribble Jump on the traditional Olympic sport known as ‘Triple Jump’.  The essence of the Dribble Jump is the same as the Triple Jump:  the contestant sprints down a straight track and then executes a hop, a bound, and finally a long jump into a sand pit. However, the Dribble Jump is far more challenging than the Triple Jump, because the contestant will have to overcome certain unique and formidable hurdles that are encountered in daily life by Indians everywhere, particularly in big cities. These hurdles are created by Acts of Nature—or more precisely, by Indian men responding to Calls of Nature…”

We couldn’t believe our ears. “Eh?  What? Calls of Nature!  How…what do you mean, sir…”

He went on as though we hadn’t spoken. “In the Dribble Jump, the contestant is required to sprint along a straight, shallow sewage drain, and then execute a hop, a bound, and finally a long jump  over a patch of hard ground littered with puddles and piles of …er….freshly deposited human metabolic by-products.”

Dribble Jump – field trial in progress [image created with MetaAI, Paint, and Insanity]

He paused to feed himself a large zarda paan. We attempted to speak but could only utter faint gulping noises. A peon helpfully proffered a glass of water, which we emptied in three additional gulps.

“You see,” Prof. Gillidandan continued indistinctly around his zarda paan, “ studies by my CRAPS team have revealed certain extraordinary facts about our country: that wherever in India there is a vacant plot of land, or a wall or pavement or fence or even a row of bushes stretching more than ten metres, the local community will proceed to use these areas as garbage dumps. Furthermore, passing Indian men will use the same areas as a public toilet on a continuous basis.  The same practices are manifest along the borders of railway lines, streets, canals, ponds, lakes, and so on.  In a flash we realized that these age-old practices—which are so much a part of our glorious heritage, culture and agriculture— provide us with readily available sports training infrastructure across the country at virtually zero cost!”

We continued to gulp in both English and Hindi. As before, Prof. Gillidandan ignored us completely.

“Let me give you an idea of what I mean,” went on Prof. Gillidandan dreamily. “On a stretch of pavement near my own apartment in Rajender Nagar, New Delhi, I’ve seen children and adults routinely execute Triple Jumps of over 24 metres to avoid landing in or on the fresh pools and piles laid out every morning and evening by large-hearted men of the locality! Compare this with the World Records in Triple Jump, which are a mere 18.29 metres for men and 15.74 metres for women…”

“Gulp…glug…”

“These and other insights helped us to envision and design the Dribble Jump, and commence trials too,” he continued.  He waved a hand towards the window. “We’ve field-tested and validated the Dribble Jump in and around the Shahdara Drain, and will continue trials at the Ghazipur Landfill – the ideal venue! And we’ve identified over 1640 other venues across India in which to demonstrate the Dribble Jump as part of our nationwide awareness-cum-training programme during 2024–25.  We hope to showcase this event in the L.A. Games, 2028, and are confident that the International Olympic Association will adopt the Dribble Jump in place of its traditional Triple Jump—especially because the Dribble Jump’s refreshingly natural and organic hurdles harmonize so well with the global movement towards natural and organic lifestyles…”

Ghazipur Landfill, New Delhi – perfect for trials of Dribble Jump and other innovative CRAPS games

We found our voice at last. “This is incredible…unbelievable!” we croaked. “How on earth could…”

“Yes, thank you very much, sir,” replied Prof. Gillidandan with a modest smile, completely misconstruing our words.  “I’m flattered…but  then  I cannot take all the credit, I must acknowledge the contributions of my team here at CRAPS…”

We resumed our gulping and gurgling; by now we were getting quite adept at it.

He grabbed a thin sheaf of papers from his desk and thrust them at us. “Here, take a look at this,” he said, “They summarize a few other innovative sports events that we’ve designed at CRAPS. Some are being field-testing now—like Slipped Discus Throw, Spittle Chase, Great Indian Grope Trick. A few are at the concept stage…my personal favourite is the Poll Vault, specifically designed for contestants from Indian political parties…”

At this point Prof. Gillidandan’s cellphone rang. After a minute’s conversation he disconnected and jumped to his feet.  “My apologies, I must go,” he muttered. “That was the Sports Minister: I have to meet him immediately…”

And so, mercifully, the interview ended.

But our horror endures.

We’ve gone through the small sheaf of papers that Prof. Gillidandan so kindly gave us study, and present  below the gist of some of the sporting events that he and his team at CRAPS have developed for introduction in the next National Games—and perhaps in future Olympic Games.

We’ve also commenced a three-month course of mild tranquilizers on our doctor’s advice, to overcome the bouts of sudden hysteria that overwhelm us without warning ever since our interview with Prof. Gillidandan. The doctor is confident that we’ll recover completely … but has strictly warned us against any stressful activities including watching sporting events on TV or the Net.

Other innovative sports events developed/under development by CRAPS

[list not exhaustive]

Spittle Chase©

Contestants:  athletes of all sexes, all ages

Like the traditional Olympic Steeple Chase, the Spittle Chase© is a gruelling 3000 meter race; but with a few vital differences.

  • In the Steeple Chase, each contestant is required to run about 3000 metres during which he/she jumps over 28 three-foot hurdles and executes seven ‘water jumps’ , each over a 10-foot wide pit of water).
  • In the Spittle Chase©, each contestant  will  run 3000 metres along  the streets of a typical Indian city road choked with traffic and garbage—for example,  Vikas Marg in New Delhi or Andheri–Kurla road In Mumbai. In Kolkata, Guwahati, and Kanpur, any streets will do.
  • In the Spittle Chase©, each of the 28 barriers will consist of a three-foot high mound of construction & demolition (C&D) waste material in the middle of the road, which are usually available or can be arranged for by municipal agencies, Public Works Department (PWD), etc.
  • instead of jumps over pits of water, the Spittle Chase© runner must execute jumps over seven 10-foot-wide pits filled with trash and/or sewage (such pits, too, are usually readily available at no cost due to the roads caving in after being undermined by leaking sewage pipes)
  • To add to the excitement, 28 city buses will hurtle up and down the road at 50–60 kmph during the Spittle Chase©. Each bus will be filled with expert zarda paan chewers who will take pot-shots— rather, spittle-shots— at the running  contestants  who must weave and twist while running in order to escape being hit by the scarlet and fluid barrage. The contestants must also avoid being run over by the city buses—otherwise they will be penalized.

Slipped Discus Throw© 

Participants:  athletes of all sexes, all ages [N.B: orthopaedic surgeons and ambulances will be on standby]

The Slipped Discus Throw© will be a night event – the first ever in the history of India’s National Games, as well as of the Olympics as and when it is introduced!

  • The venue for Slipped Discus Throw© can be any typical newly-developed upmarket area in any of India’s major metropolitan cities— with broad well-lit roads lined with glittering shops and malls, sidewalks littered with C&D waste and garbage, deep uncovered trenches containing exposed electricity and data cables, gas lines, etc., fetid open manholes, and so on.
  • Contestants are required to walk briskly along a designated 400-meter stretch of the road and/or sidewalk without falling or slipping or stumbling and dislocating their hips and/or backs, or tripping over blocks of masonry and tangles of steel wire and breaking their necks.
  • At the end of the 400-meter stretch, the contestant will pick up a standard-size cement block weighing 40 kilograms and throw it across a distance of 10 metres without collapsing on his/her/their/its face or rear. [Note: all cement blocks shall  be tested before the event to ensure that the cement has not been adulterated by unscrupulous contractors]

Great Indian Grope Trick©

Participants:  women athletes of all ages

This unique, all-new women’s event can potentially become the most exciting of all sporting events for spectators at the National Games and Olympics!  Highlights:

  • The Great Indian Grope Trick can be held in any large, crowded public place like a shopping arcade, plaza, bazaar, and so on—for instance, Connaught Place in New Delhi, Johari Bazaar in Jaipur, Crawford Market in Mumbai, and so on.
  • The women contestants, wearing bullet-proof suits and carrying pepper-sprays and/or tasers for self-defence, will have to sprint approximately 800 metres along a demarcated route in the venue while evading the groping fingers (and other assorted intrusive digits, appendages, protuberances and tools) of 400 ‘Gropers’ who will be chosen by a rigorous selection process from among the thousands of lechers, oglers, dirty old men, dirty young men, and affiliated riffraff who frequent all the public spaces in all the cities of India.
  • For scoring purposes, the Gropers will be provided with buckets of indelible dye in which to dip their fingers (and any other tools they may wish to deploy). The winning contestant will be the one who completes the course with the minimum number of dye-marks on her apparel and/or the maximum number of pepper-spray/taser strikes on her would-be Gropers.

[Note from Prof.G K Gillidandan: Regrettably, we may have to reconsider promoting this event due to the slightly disturbing comment by Mr Seniram Ungaliwallah Singh, Deputy Director at the Indian Wrestling Federation (Women’s Division), while praising the CRAPS team for developing the Great Indian Grope Trick:

“Truly, the Great Indian Grope Trick promises to be a Track & Feel event with a difference! I am confident it will leave an indelible impression on all the spectators, if not the contestants; and touch them to the hearts of their bottoms.”]

Great Indian Grope Trick – preliminary trial [image created with MetaAI, Paint, and Insanity]

Poll Vault©

Participants:  Indian political leaders

The Poll Vault is an event that offers high entertainment value for spectators. It is primarily aimed at the National Games for the obvious reason that it is open only to Indian MPs, MLAs, and other senior political party leaders who have defected at least three times from one party to another.

  • As with the traditional Pole Vault, the Poll Vault contestant will use uses a long and flexible pole as an aid to jump over a bar and land on a sand pit on the far side.
  • However, in the Poll Vault, a minimum of three rival contestants will be allowed to grab the pole and tug it away from beneath the contestant while she/he/it/them is attempting to vault over the bar.
  • If the contestant loses balance and lands on the same (starting) side,  penalty points will be awarded there and then by the rival contestants in the form of mild beatings with the pole (which may be made of light bamboo to ensure adherence to International Human Rights Law).
  • Contestants who succeed in vaulting over the bar and landing without severe injury will continue to the next round, with the height of bar being raised each time, until the three final winners are found.  





[Notes from Prof. Gillidandan:





(1) The bar may be made from mild steel for all contestants except those from Aam Aadmi Party, who may be allowed to vault over a standard-sized liquor bar





(2) Any contestant who manages to leap to the other side of the bar, and then leap back to the starting side, can be awarded a special medal. I suggest the name ‘N D Tiwari Puraskaar’, in honour of the late lamented Congress leader N D Tiwari who broke away from the Congress to form the Congress (Tiwari), and then defected back from the Congress (Tiwari) to Congress, leaving his Congress (Tiwari) colleagues Tiwari-less.






Poll Vault – concept [image created with MetaAI, Paint, and Insanity]






Jai Hind! Hail our athletes, who do so well despite our apathy and cynicism.

			

	
	



			
				


	
	

								
				General ravings, Musings			
					
		
Happy Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas!!

				

			Mani's avatarMani						6 Comments
					

			


		

		

"The Moving Finger votes; and having voted
Moves on; nor all thy Ideology nor Writ
Shall lure it back to concede half a Chance,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a NOTA from it.”
[with apologies to the estate of Omar Khayyam]





Just a fortnight to go, O gentle Reader, for the Sacred Day of June 4th — which will mark the grand culmination of the greatest of festivals that Democratic India has gifted to the world… Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas!










For those among us who might be unfamiliar with India’s glorious heritage and culture, Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas roughly translates from the ancient Indian language of Tapori Hindi to ‘Day to Show Politician the Finger’.





It is such an appropriately named festival as we traverse the Digital Age, no?





It is the Day We Show Politicians a Digit.





 Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas is a beautiful festival, even by India’s stellar standards of sublime secular celebration. It is observed once every five years and lasts for many weeks, depending on the Lunatic Calendar.





This time the festivities last for a full 44 days, starting from 19th April and ending on 4st June 2024. 





This Holy Period is marked not by austere fasts, but instead by joyous and frenzied public revelry throughout the nation, with intermittent  region-wise climaxes—called Electoral Days by the intelligentsia and Electoral Dysfunction Days by the irreverent and irrelevant—when We the Wee People troop to our local Electoral Shrines to observe the Hallowed and Powerful Ritual of the Forefinger, our brains numbed by six weeks of incessant, insensitive and incendiary sloganeering, our spirits buoyed by the giga-litres of free ethylated spirits and other heady gifts and freebees distributed among us by the Powers-That-Be who comprise both rulers and the aspiring-rulers of Bharat that is India .





Ahhh! How eagerly I await May 25th, fingers a-twitching in unholy excitement, to take my turn in celebrating this greatest of ancient Indian festivals.





May 25th 2024 is Electoral Day for us Dilli-wallahs.





It is the day I shall sally forth with my co-sufferers in the sweltering Capital, most likely around 07:30 a.m when it is a cool and pleasant 105 degrees F in the shade, to queue up at the  designated Electoral Shrine and have my forefinger anointed with Holy Ink by the solemn Presiding Priests and Priestesses and take my turn in the quiet, curtained sanctum sanctorum to choose one name from among the dozen scoundrels, scallywags, assorted crooks and scamsters who seek my vote that might help them become one of the 543 Members of Parliament who will misgovern India for the next five years.





Oh, please don’t get me wrong…I love Lok Sabha Elections.





 I love Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas!





I also love the Exit Polls that take over every media channel and newspaper from the moment the last vote is cast—from the evening of June 1st, that is! This year, I’m going to binge-watch at least five different Indian TV news channels— and also monitor leading and misleading Indian and international online news portals of impeccable disrepute such as The Wire, BBC, New York Times, The Dawn, and The People’s Daily—to chortle non-stop at their wildly diverse ‘analyses’ and predictions as to which political party or alliance is going to emerge as the winner.





And when Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas dawns…June 4th… Oooooohh! Awwwwkkk! 





Already, I tremble in anticipation of getting a year’s worth of mirth and merriment from morning to night as I watch and listen to anxious anchors, earnest experts, jaded journalists, pontificating psephologists and affiliated pretenders yap away non-stop as the numbers and results come in from across the country;  numbers and results that will invariably differ exponentially from all their painstakingly presented pre-poll and exit poll predictions. 





And my chuckles will explode into belly-aching roars of laughter and I will double over and and shake and dance in ecstasy in front of the TV screen—and perhaps waggle my Holy Ink-anointed finger and wiggle my non-Holy Ink-anointed butt in their collective faces for good measure—as they explain how in fact they actually got all their predictions right,  and how it is that We, the Wee People, must take the blame for not voting according to their analyses and predictions.  





I look forward to chortling over brave explanatory phrases like these from the Talking Heads on TV, YouTube, WhatsApp, Twitter and other boob-tubes:





“…Thus, our forecasts were absolutely spot-on! The variance from actual results is only because our correctly predicted swing factor towards the Secular I.N.D.I.A Coalition in North Indian states has been counter-balanced by the last-minute counter-oscillation of Backwards towards the Hindutva-inclined BJP, though of course this in turn has been somewhat mitigated by the usual Koeri-Kurmi antipathy toward the Right-leaning Thakurs, the Centrist Yadavs, and Left-leaning EBCs and Muslims…”





“As you can see from this graphic, our predictions that the Congress would sweep Uttar Pradesh with 75–80 seats were 100% accurate. The fact that they’ve actually won only 3 seats is entirely due to the urban and peri-urban electorate’s incremental wooing by the BJP through excremental programs like Swacchh Bharat Abhiyaan…”





“The sweep by BJP in Delhi has nothing to do with the AAP broom. It is directly a result of the complex interplay between the policy paralysis of the AAP government with over 60% of its Cabinet Ministers in Tihar Jail,  and the mid-election Maliwal–Kejriwal– Sheesh Mahal –Ghotalay Golmal,  combined with the overall  Maha-Dalit–Bhumihar consolidation against I.N.D.I.A in NCR region and the Adi Dravid-Tamil Brahmin groups in Tamil Nadu against the DMK…”





“To put it in plain and simple language:   the results only underline the deep inroads carved into the superstructure of Indian democracy by the enduring Brahmanical Hegemony that, strengthened by communal agendas and catalysed by the institutionalization of Comprador agencies masquerading as pseudo-Right Liberal entities, have promoted exploitative neo-Capitalist policy frameworks and schemes  which have historically been proven to be contrapuntal to the interests of the oppressed subaltern sections of society…”





O precious Reader, please do pardon my feeble efforts above: these are mere examples, pale imitations of the turgid, hilarious phrases that we will actually get to hear from the learned Talking Heads who will analyse the poll results for us, from June 4th till the next Lok Sabha elections.





 Ahh! It is at times like this that I miss those supremely entertaining Talking Heads of yesteryear:  those masters and mistresses of gobbledygook whose names most of us have forgotten… like Purana  Roy, Khadka Butt, Saregama the Ghost, et al…





But then, we still have the likes of Roger Deep- Sordid Sai,  Hardknob Gowshala and Nervy Cuckoomar to regale us as we track the poll outcomes up to and even beyond Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas…to Gaali Diwas.





Gaali Diwas!





The Day of Swearing-In! 





Gaali Diwas is the day the newly-appointed Prime Minister and his/her chosen Ministers take their oaths and are sworn in to their respective orifi…er…offices.  





Going by its name, Gaali Diwas should be the day when you and I should be given the opportunity to attend the swearing-in rituals personally so that we can swear and hurl oaths and abuse at the newly-appointed Prime Minister and his chosen Ministers as they take their oaths.  Particularly, if they are not the leaders we voted for.





However, this requires reform in the Law.





I am confident that the Leader for whom I am going to vote will bring in the necessary reform to allow the public this wonderful and indeed fundamental right to free fundamentalist expression.





I shall pray for such an outcome on May 25th, when I visit my Electoral Shrine and vote.





“Bollocks!” exclaims the Resident Lizard, rudely interrupting my flow of thoughts. 





The Resident Lizard has crept up on me silently, like a predatory Aam Aadmi Party leader in Kejriwal’s Sheesh Mahal, and is reading over my shoulder as I write. It is a most annoying habit (his reading over my shoulder, I mean, not my writing).





“If your Chosen Leader becomes Prime Minister, you wouldn’t want to swear at him,” my reptilian colleague adds with his typical cussed logic. “So what’s the point of your Chosen Prime Minister bringing in a reform that allows  you to swear at him when he’s being sworn in, when you’re anyway not going to swear at him?”





Infuriated, I throw a priceless crystal cup, a wireless mouse, a printer cartridge, my reading glasses case and three pens at the Lizard. All miss their target; but he skilfully extracts the reading glasses from the case, dons them with a sardonic chuckle and scuttles off to the living room to read the newspaper.





I regain my composure; I realize I must tolerate the Resident Lizard’s presence and his views.





After all, he  too, awaits Netako Ungli Dikhana Diwas.





And so, I conclude this herewith before joining him in the living room.





Hail the spirit of Vasudaiva Kutumbakam. 





Jai Hind!





[Dedicated to a dear young socio-anthropologist friend who – unlike so many politicians – loves to work among the people for the people, loves merriment and well-being and peace, loves Life (though not lizards of any kind so much)…and yes, loves the Rubaiyyat of Omar Khayyam 🙂]






			

	
	



			
				


	
	

								
				General ravings, Potshots			
					
		
ABC Primer on Artificial Intelligence for our new MPs

				

			Mani's avatarMani						5 Comments
					

			


		

		

With the Lok Sabha elections 2024 well under way, we humbly offer selections from a small glossary of terms that, we hope, will help our newly elected Members of Parliament function effectively in a world that is increasingly being driven by Artifical Intelligence and related technologies.





Note: the glossary is still a work-in-progress; this selection of terms is inflicted on you merely by way of a ‘Beta Test’ (please see below for its definition).





Artificial Intelligence





Artificial Intelligence is a scientific term first used over 2000 years ago in ancient India, when the great philosopher-military strategist Kautilya composed his Arthashastra. Artificial Intelligence (or AI as it is popularly known) describe the simulation—or mimicry—of normal human capabilities such as communication, learning, and decision-making by a political leader of limited or even infantile intellectual abilities. The creation of an AI-endowed leader is a complex R&D process requiring sustained support in the form of mass subliminal advertising campaigns, saturation social/main-scream media coverage, marketing techniques, retrospective psychological and academic profiling, continuous rewritings of political and historical lineage, and other such elements. Such long-term and multi-faceted support requires colossal financial and other resources. Hence, AI-endowed leaders are usually found only in the richest and oldest Indian political parties such as the Indian National Congress.  





Generative AI is a related term, used to describe AI projects that have to be sustained over many generations in order to create and stabilize an AI-endowed political leader.





OpenAI is the short and informal term used by media professionals and marketing/advertising agencies to indicate that a political party has openings, i.e., vacancies, for training aspiring political candidates who have suitably open and vacant minds to become AI-endowed leaders.





Algorithm





An Algorithm is a fundamental sequence of rules that define the path of an AI-empowered politician’s career. However,  Algorithm can take many meanings in different parts of India, mirroring our nation’s disunity in perversity.





For instance, among the Hindi-speaking states of north India, Algorithm [pronounced ‘alag-rhythm’] is popularly used to praise an AI-empowered political leader who is seen as following a different or unique path to political power. Thus, a Congress supporter might be heard saying: “Hamara pyaara neta Rahuljee alag-rhythm ko naachta hai!” [Loose translation: ‘Rahuljee, our beloved leader, dances to a different rhythm.”]





In Tamil Nadu, algorithm [pronounced ‘Alagiri-r-dum’: ‘the power of Alagiri’] conveys a sense of wistfulness—even sadness—at the fate of DMK leader M K Alagiri, who was once seen as the heir and brilliant Rising Son of the late and great DMK supremo K Karunanidhi, but whose political career has rapidly waned and sunk beneath the horizon like the setting sun … even as brother Stalin sets the state ablaze in his dubious light. Thus, a Madurai citizen might shake her head sadly and murmur: “Paavam, Alagiri-r-dum pochu!’ [‘Poor Alagiri’s power is gone!’]





In West Bengal, Algorithm [pronounced ‘All-Agree-Team’, meaning self-explicit] is a popular and explicit term coined by Chief Minister and Trinamool Congress leader Mamata Bannerjee, to remind her  Cabinet Ministers as well as party cadres that she expects unquestioning obedience from them of her every wish and command.





Important Algorithm-related terms include:





    

  • Classification—technique by which politician divides and target voters on the basis of class, caste, religion, language, sex, and economic status including various permutations and combinations of these criteria.
    • 




  • Regression—(1) a portmanteau word [regrets + session = regression] that describes the common phenomenon of political leaders expressing profuse regrets on ongoing  basis for ‘inadvertent’ insults and abuses that they directed at rivals during earlier campaign speeches. (2) Regression is also used in the sense of ‘backward motion’ to describe the political strategy of promising more and more sections of people that they will be classified as ‘Backward Classes’ so that they can reap benefits of affirmative action policies such as reserved seats in educational institutions, quotas in government jobs, and so on.   
    • 






Beta test 





Beta Test [from beta = son, daughter or any other kind of offspring; test = pariksha, trial] describes the complex science-based process—or more accurately, scions-based process— by which an AI-endowed son or daughter of a senior politician is miraculously elevated to the position of party leader and then repeatedly fielded as Lok Sabha  candidate to test his/her/their/unka popularity. A Beta Test may extend for several decades because the Beta candidate’s popularity remains as elusive as a phantom; a result that is explained by some Left-leaning political science scholars as a manifestation of Phantom Uncertainty, first postulated by the great German political scientist Weiner Heisenhamburger.





Big data





Big Data refers to the huge sets of data that are painstakingly compiled by all Indian political parties on their political rivals, pertaining to corruption cases, violent crimes, scandals involving moral turpitude, and affiliated criminal misconduct. Big Data is gathered and analysed on ongoing basis to reveal the weak points and vulnerabilities of political rivals, so that they can then be amplified and exploited during election campaigns.





The analysis of Big Data is called Data Mining, whichderives its name from the infamous Coal Mine Allocation Scam of the early 2000s when this technique was first used effectively by (then) Opposition parties headed by BJP.  Since then, Data Mining is being used by all Indian political parties; not only to persecute their vulnerable political rivals but also to engineer defections by these  political rivals into their  own party or alliance. However, this defection process is subject to strict scrutiny under the Anti-Defecation Law, which forms an intrinsic part of the Swacch Bharat Abhiyan Mission that has been launched to flush out malpractices from India’s electoral system.





Important note:  Data Mining must not be confused with TADA Mining – which is a now-defunct legal provision under which criminal cases could be filed against political leaders for illegally awarding mining licences in their constituency to loyal crooks, thugs, goondas, scoundrels and other close family members.





Chatbot





A Chatbot [from chat = chat-show host; bot = bought] is a celebrity TV news anchor who is retained by one or more political parties to spread the party viewpoint(s) and increase the popularity of their leaders. Every Indian political party has at least two or three captive Chatbots, and every Chatbot serves at least two or three political parties.  





Chatbots are characterized by extremely high intuitive abilities (a skillset also known as cognitive computing), extremely low ethical standards, and unmatched swiftness in switching their allegiance from one political party to another as the occasion demands.





Emergent Behaviour





Emergent Behaviour [root: Emergency] describes an AI-endowed leader who has begun to show unpredictable or unintended capabilities, including authoritarian and/or totalitarian tendencies in political outlook.





Large language model





A large language model is simply the technology that allows teleprompters to display speech-text in large font and point-size, so that all but the most inept AI-endowed politicians can read the text without fumbling. 





Pattern recognition





Pattern Recognition refers to the innovative system by which the Party Symbol is tattooed on to a newly elected MP/MLA’s hand by  the Lok Sabha Secretariat or concerned Assembly Secretariat. The tattoo helps the MP/MLA  remember to which Party he/she/they/it  presently belongs when the time comes to vote on a Bill  that is tabled in the House.  This is of vital importance, as MPS and MLAs switch parties at the drop of a topi (or a dropped call from Enforcement Directorate).  Thus, Pattern Recognition helps MPs and MLAs avoid inadvertent cross-voting, and thereby saves them from painful disciplinary action in the form of whipping by their party Whip.





[to be continued…upon my release from Tihar Jail]






			

	
	



			
				


	
	

								
				Potshots, Remembering			
					
		
Maha-Rat-Bandhan

				

			Mani's avatarMani						2 Comments
					

			


		

		

Namaskaarams, O most Valued Readers!  With the grey cells encased in a kind of cerebral permafrost from this grey winter that has enveloped Dilli in a dismal, reeking, sunless chill in which the only daily cheer is brought by the Times of India headline  proclaiming that the ‘Air Quality Has Improved From Severe to Very Poor’, I finally found the energy yesterday to stir the frozen appendages and digits, a cell at a time, to compose a small research paper on ‘Rats and Other Politicians I Have Encountered and Studied.’





When, lo, the news emerged that Shri Nitish Kumar, erstwhile Chief Minister of Bihar and senior member of the ‘Mahagathbandhan’ supported by Congress, CPM, CPI, RJD, Trinamool Congress and other affiliated scoundrels of the I.N.D.I.A alliance, had resigned his Chief Ministership and been resworn in as  Chief Minister of Bihar supported by BJP, Lok Jan Shakti Party and other affiliated scoundrels of the N.D.A alliance. 





With this, Nitish Kumar has created a record of sorts among Indian politicians in defecting from one political party/alliance to another and being sworn in as Chief Minister of Bihar no less than nine times despite assembly elections being held in Bihar only five times. 





Suddenly, the chill softens its bite. In a trice, the Rats I Have Encountered and Studied are forgotten. Only the Politicians I Have Encountered and Studied fill the lattices of the decrepit mind, twitching their bristly whiskers and baring their yellowing rodentine teeth in unholy glee; the glee of those political ascetics who, akin to spiritual ascetics in their own unique ways, have abandoned all earthly desires to do public good and egoistic compulsions to be principled and humble, and instead dedicated their lives to the energetic pursuit of power while energetically evading the pursuit of conscience, creditors, and law enforcement agencies.





And now, amid the dim recesses of memory I espy a short article on the same theme composed for and carried by the Indian Express almost exactly twenty years ago: in 2004, just before the Lok Sabha elections that evicted the BJP-led NDA and brought in the Congress-led UPA. 





Here’s the article in full . With the Lok Sabha elections due in a few months from now, I wonder whether my proposed solution still has any merit?





Stable horse traders





[Indian Express: May 3rd, 2004]





Our politicians would make chameleons turn green with envy. The BJP has ditched the DMK and allied with Jayalalithaa’s AIADMK — the party that brought down its government in 1999. The Congress has tied up with the DMK, which it abused in 1997 on the floor of Parliament for its alleged links with the LTTE (thereby bringing down the UF government). Sharad Pawar of NCP is backing the Congress — from which he broke away in 1999 with these immortal words to Sonia Gandhi: “The Congress manifesto should suggest an amendment to the Constitution of India, to the effect that the offices of the president, vice president and prime minister can only be held by natural born Indian citizens. We would also request that you, as Congress president, propose this amendment…”





Now that exit polls predict a hung Parliament, the likes of Pawar, Mulayam, Laloo and Mayawati are licking their lips in anticipation of singular largesse from the ‘single largest party’. Ministerial berths will obscure issues of foreign birth; suitcases will assure reprieve from civil suits and CBI cases; doublespeak and whitewash will transform ‘communal’ into ‘secular’ and vice versa.





How can such deceitful practices be ended? 





Perhaps the president of India could adopt the Vatican’s system of electing a new pope. Just as the College of Cardinals is locked up in the Sistine Chapel until it chooses a new pope (by two-thirds majority plus one within 13 days, or a simple majority thereafter), the president could incarcerate the newly elected MPs in the Lok Sabha till they similarly choose a consensus prime minister. As with the cardinals, our MPs should be totally sealed off from the outside world during their conclave.





Elected this way, the PM would already have proven her/his majority support in the House, and may then choose a Cabinet from among the MPs and get on with the business of governance.





No doubt this MPs’ conclave will be acrimonious and lengthy. But at least it will ensure a stable government. All arrangements could be made to ensure the MPs a comfortable sojourn — including medical teams to treat any injuries suffered by them during their debates. 





One detail: How do they indicate to the outside world that they have chosen a PM? The Vatican cardinals send white smoke signals by burning their final (successful) ballot papers. Our MPs could send similar smoke signals by setting alight their party manifestos!

			

	
	



			
				


			
				


	
	

								
				General ravings, Potshots			
					
		
Lok Sabha elections 2024: why I’ll  vote for I.N.D.I.A

				

			Mani's avatarMani						8 Comments
					

			


		

		

Can we transition from “Indira is India” to “I.N.D.I.A is India”?





O Gentle and Most Valued Reader, I begin this rant with an Affidavit in the standard UNESCO-disavowed format.  .





Affidavit
I, R P Subramanian, do solemnly swear, affirm and declare in this public forum as follows:
1. That I am a registered Indian voter.
2. That in the forthcoming Lok Sabha elections 2024, I shall cast my vote in favour of the Indian National Developmental Inclusive Alliance (hereinafter called ‘I.N.D.I.A’ which expression shall include all its splinter groups, breakaway factions, turncoats, defectors, defecators, and assigns).
3. That I undertake to cast my vote favouring I.N.D.I.A as declared above, barring unexpected and/or unforeseen events that might prevent me from doing so including and not restricted to death; grievous injuries caused by assault(s) by supporters of any and all political parties; Acts of God (which term includes Acts by any and all Religious, Secular, Communal, Communist, Woke, and Somnolent deities and prophets of all sexes and genders present and future); and any and all other force majeure events and phenomena.
4. That I execute this undertaking in full and complete infirmity and unsoundness of mind and senses, and under no compulsion or threats whatsoever from any entities, real or virtual.  





The provocation for my Affidavit is the recently concluded Lok Sabha debate on the No-Confidence Motion moved by the I.N.D.I.A coalition of Opposition parties against the BJP-led NDA coalition; a three-day debate that ended with the entire I.N.D.I.A coalition walking out of the House even before the No-Confidence Motion that they had themselves brought in could be put to vote.





Please don’t get me wrong: I don’t blame the Congress-led I.N.D.I.A coalition for walking out of the Lok Sabha. They did so only to escape further serious injuries to their already-bruised egos.





By the second day of the debate, the signs were clear to me—as clear as Rahul Gandhi’s development agenda for India— that the MPs from I.N.D.I.A were vying with one another in making supreme idiots of themselves as they spoke in the House. Indeed, only sheer will-power and extra-strong coffee gave me strength to hear and watch Rahul Gandhi himself prate about nothing in particular with his characteristic hoarse vehemence, oratorial incoherence, analytical incompetence and overarching adolescence—even as his colleagues cheered him on and thumped their desks—before exiting with an aerial smooch seemingly directed towards a cluster of women MPs in the Treasury benches (although a usually unreliable Congress source tells me Rahul’s smooch was actually aimed  at PM Narendra Modi, for whom Rahul possesses deep affection and love).





But most painful of all was to hear and watch MPs of the BJP and other NDA parties, from Jyotiraditya Scindia to Modi himself, systematically tear apart and gobble down the MPs and constituent parties of  I.N.D.I.A with all the gentleness and grace of a pack of hungry wild dogs dining on a felled buffalo.





After watching this farce of a debate, O Dear Reader, I confess that I was wrong in my earlier prediction that the BJP will be wiped out in the 2024 elections. I now realize that it is the Congress-led I.N.D.I.A coalition that is in danger of being wiped out in 2024. 





Because, judging by its disgraceful performance in the Lok Sabha these past three days,  I.N.D.I.A has placed itself on the electoral equivalent of life support within weeks of its launch.





No amount of hagiographic reportage by Congress’ captive, Rahul-captivated media  can conceal the harsh truth: that I.N.D.I.A was taken to the dhobi-ghats, beaten, wrung, and hung up to dry by the BJP-led NDA in the Lok Sabha.





Adding to my alarm at this latest evidence of I.N.D.I.A’s feebleness and the BJP-led NDA’s ever-increasing strength and popularity, is news from abroad that a leading American singer, Mary Millben, has now expressed her support for Modi.





Source: India Today. 





I am slightly consoled by my Congress source’s assurance that Mary Millben’s support for Modi  doesn’t mean anything.  “Arre Subramanian-saar,” he says, “this Mary Millben is not even an American; she is actually an Indian Modi-bhakt living in the USA under false pretences, with some hidden agenda to create Akhand Bharat! She is a Gujarati girl; her real name is Meera Millie-ben…”





Yet I still worry.





India needs a credible Opposition. 





India needs a credible alternative to Modi in 2024!





I.N.D.I.A needs my support to get off  its life support!  





And so, I shall vote for I.N.D.I.A in 2024…provided I.N.D.I.A still exists when the elections happen.





May I conclude with an inspirational slogan, which I hope Rahul Gandhi will adopt during his campaigns:





Voters of India, unite ‘neath the banner of I.N.D.I.A





You’ve nothing to lose but your brains, which we’ll replace with Pyaar!





Jai Hind.