Namaskaarams, O most Valued Readers! With the grey cells encased in a kind of cerebral permafrost from this grey winter that has enveloped Dilli in a dismal, reeking, sunless chill in which the only daily cheer is brought by the Times of India headline proclaiming that the ‘Air Quality Has Improved From Severe to Very Poor’, I finally found the energy yesterday to stir the frozen appendages and digits, a cell at a time, to compose a small research paper on ‘Rats and Other Politicians I Have Encountered and Studied.’

When, lo, the news emerged that Shri Nitish Kumar, erstwhile Chief Minister of Bihar and senior member of the ‘Mahagathbandhan’ supported by Congress, CPM, CPI, RJD, Trinamool Congress and other affiliated scoundrels of the I.N.D.I.A alliance, had resigned his Chief Ministership and been resworn in as Chief Minister of Bihar supported by BJP, Lok Jan Shakti Party and other affiliated scoundrels of the N.D.A alliance.

With this, Nitish Kumar has created a record of sorts among Indian politicians in defecting from one political party/alliance to another and being sworn in as Chief Minister of Bihar no less than nine times despite assembly elections being held in Bihar only five times.

Suddenly, the chill softens its bite. In a trice, the Rats I Have Encountered and Studied are forgotten. Only the Politicians I Have Encountered and Studied fill the lattices of the decrepit mind, twitching their bristly whiskers and baring their yellowing rodentine teeth in unholy glee; the glee of those political ascetics who, akin to spiritual ascetics in their own unique ways, have abandoned all earthly desires to do public good and egoistic compulsions to be principled and humble, and instead dedicated their lives to the energetic pursuit of power while energetically evading the pursuit of conscience, creditors, and law enforcement agencies.

And now, amid the dim recesses of memory I espy a short article on the same theme composed for and carried by the Indian Express almost exactly twenty years ago: in 2004, just before the Lok Sabha elections that evicted the BJP-led NDA and brought in the Congress-led UPA.

Here’s the article in full . With the Lok Sabha elections due in a few months from now, I wonder whether my proposed solution still has any merit?

Stable horse traders

[Indian Express: May 3rd, 2004]

Our politicians would make chameleons turn green with envy. The BJP has ditched the DMK and allied with Jayalalithaa’s AIADMK — the party that brought down its government in 1999. The Congress has tied up with the DMK, which it abused in 1997 on the floor of Parliament for its alleged links with the LTTE (thereby bringing down the UF government). Sharad Pawar of NCP is backing the Congress — from which he broke away in 1999 with these immortal words to Sonia Gandhi: “The Congress manifesto should suggest an amendment to the Constitution of India, to the effect that the offices of the president, vice president and prime minister can only be held by natural born Indian citizens. We would also request that you, as Congress president, propose this amendment…”

Now that exit polls predict a hung Parliament, the likes of Pawar, Mulayam, Laloo and Mayawati are licking their lips in anticipation of singular largesse from the ‘single largest party’. Ministerial berths will obscure issues of foreign birth; suitcases will assure reprieve from civil suits and CBI cases; doublespeak and whitewash will transform ‘communal’ into ‘secular’ and vice versa.

How can such deceitful practices be ended?

Perhaps the president of India could adopt the Vatican’s system of electing a new pope. Just as the College of Cardinals is locked up in the Sistine Chapel until it chooses a new pope (by two-thirds majority plus one within 13 days, or a simple majority thereafter), the president could incarcerate the newly elected MPs in the Lok Sabha till they similarly choose a consensus prime minister. As with the cardinals, our MPs should be totally sealed off from the outside world during their conclave.

Elected this way, the PM would already have proven her/his majority support in the House, and may then choose a Cabinet from among the MPs and get on with the business of governance.

No doubt this MPs’ conclave will be acrimonious and lengthy. But at least it will ensure a stable government. All arrangements could be made to ensure the MPs a comfortable sojourn — including medical teams to treat any injuries suffered by them during their debates.

One detail: How do they indicate to the outside world that they have chosen a PM? The Vatican cardinals send white smoke signals by burning their final (successful) ballot papers. Our MPs could send similar smoke signals by setting alight their party manifestos!